
Fernanda – Portfolio #3
June 23, 2009When I was 10 years old, I used to live with my mother and my grandmother in a good place at Aclimação, our lives worked very well, but we lived in a rent apartment and we had to deliver it. My grandmother had an apartment at the same neighborhood, smaller, but at that moment the apartment was empty, then we decided to move there.
The building was in a beautiful area, very near of Parque da Aclimação and very near of my School, in the building have playground, a big pool, and a lot of children at the same age as I was. As a consequence, when we moved to this apartment I start to live in a different way, the fist change was a possibility for me to walk alone to school, making me feel more independent, the second was that I started to make new friends, and spent all the afternoon, after do my homework, together with them playing at the playground and in the pool, and the third one was passed from the childhood to adolescence realized through physical changes on my body, sentimental changes on my mind. Was also at that moment when I was in love for the first time.
At that time, I was 12 years old and he was 16, and his name is Alexandre. His brother Junior and his sister Lú used to be my best friends and we spent all the time together, but not him, he was very introspective and at times a little unfriendly, but in fact he was very shy, and I think that was what called my attention, because in reality this bad mood was a kind of protection and he was a sweet person.
I used to be a teenager completely in love, doing anything to see him at least a little everyday, thinking about the possibility of kissing him someday. One day it really happens, I remember the day I kissed him for the first time until now. He used to play football in the afternoon, then about 4 pm his mother went pick him up, as usual, his brothers and I stayed at playground waiting for them, he always arrived and went directly to his apartment, but not that afternoon, he stayed with us, we started to talk and unexpectedly he asked me If I would like to dating him, it was everything that I wanted to. We went to stairways of the first floor and the expected kiss happened, I was very happy, excited with the situation, and afraid at the same time, a mix of new sensations for me.
After that we don’t start dating, and until today I really don’t know way, but we become very friends. For a long period, our lives have gone different ways, and 3 years ago he has become my husband.
When I was 10 years old, I used to live with my mother and my grandmother in a good place at Aclimação. (O)ur lives worked very well, but we lived in a rent(ed) apartment and we had to deliver it (Deliver what?). My grandmother had an apartment at the same neighborhood, smaller, but (since) the apartment was empty, we decided to move there.
The building was in a beautiful area, very near Parque da Aclimação and very near my school. (I)n the building(,) (there was a) playground, a big pool, and a lot of children at the same age as I was. As a consequence, when we moved to this apartment(,) I start to walk alone to school, making me feel more independent. (Also,) I started to make new friends and spent all the afternoon, after do(ing) my homework, together with them playing at the playground and in the pool. (in other words, I was going) from the childhood to adolescence through physical changes (in) my body, (and emotional) changes on my mind.
(A)lso(,) at that moment(,) I (fell) in love for the first time. I was 12 years old and Alexandre, 16. His brother Junior and his sister Lú used to be my best friends and we spent all the time together. (Alexandre, on the other hand,) was very introspective and at times a little unfriendly (You need to provide examples of this introspection and unfriendliness). (I)n fact(,) he was very shy, and I think that was what called my attention, because in reality(,) this bad mood was a kind of protection and he was a sweet person.
I used to be a teenager completely in love, doing anything to see him at least a little everyday, thinking about the possibility of kissing him someday. One day it really happen(ed). I remember the day I kissed him for the first time until now. (You need to share that with your readers.) He used to play football in the afternoon. (T)hen(,) about 4 pm(,) his mother went pick him up, as usual. (H)is brothers and I stayed at playground waiting for them. (H)e always arrived and went directly to his apartment, but not that afternoon(.) (Which afternoon?) (H)e stayed with us(.) (W)e started to talk and unexpectedly he asked me (i)f I would like to dat(e) him. (I)t was everything that I wanted to (hear). We went (up) stairways of the first floor and the expected kiss happened(.) I was very happy, excited with the situation, and afraid at the same time, a mix of new sensations for me.
After that we (didn’t) start dating, and until today(,) I really don’t know w(H)y, but we become (good)friends. For a long period, our lives have gone different ways, and 3 years ago he has become my husband. (Wow, you are skipping too much information to divulge to your reader that you got married to him.)
Fernanda,
You have tried to cover too much time frame into a very short essay. YOu have material to write a book about your life. And unfortunately, it took you too long to start working on your revisions before you submitted it as part of your portofolio paper. Here are your grades.
Content: 5 / 5
Strucuture: 3 / 5 (I got lost in the chronology)
Vocabulary: 3 / 5
Grammar: 3/ 5
Mechanics: 3 / 5
Total: 17 / 25