Fernanda – #6
June 8, 2009When I was 10 years old I moved with my mother and my grandmother to a new apartment, at this moment everything started to change in my life, I passed from the childhood to the adolescence and discovered a lot of new sensation.
The apartment was in a beautiful area and very near to my school what it allowed that I was walking alone for there, and this made me feel more independent.
Besides that, in the building there was a lot of children at the same age, as a consequence I started to make new friends there, and we spent all afternoons on the playground.
And the more important thing, it was there where I met my first love, my husband.
At that time I was 12 years old and him 16 years old, his brother and sister used to be my best friends and we passed all the time together, but not him, he was very introspective and because of that look likes a little unfriendly and always in a bad mood, and I think that was what have called my attention.
I used to be a completely teenager in love, doing anything to see him at least a little everyday, thinking in the possibility of kissing him some day…and it was what really happened …I remember that day until now, it was at the stairways of the first floor, and was only one kiss, both are totally shamed, and after that we didn’t talk with each other for months, but when the shamed was passed off everything comes normally again, and we became very closely friends.
Despite of that, for a long period, our lives have gone to different ways, he had a lot of girlfriends, had been married, and had a child, I had been dating for 8 years with a guy that is a big friend of him, and in the world’s cup of 2006 when both were single, our lives got involved again until nowadays.
When I was 10 years old(,) I moved with my mother and my grandmother to a new apartment (from where? where to? Why did you do that? What was the reason?) At (that) moment, everything started to change in my life (What do you mean by everything? Fernanda, remember that in writing, you are supposed to be as specific as you can about what you want to share with your readers.) I passed from the childhood to the adolescence and discovered a lot of new sensation(s) (Again, Fernanda, you have remained at a very superficial level, disclosing only the obvious to your readers. If you come to think of it, these sentences could have been written by anyone because, one day, everybody goes through “childhood” to “adolescence.”
The apartment was in a beautiful area (Where? SHOW your readers that the apartment was beautiful, and don’t simply TELL them.) and very near my school(, which) allowed (me to) walk alone, (making) me feel more independent. Besides that (that what?), in the building(,) there (were) a lot of children at the same age (as I was). (As) a consequence(,) I started to make new friends, and we spent all afternoons on the playground. (Fernanda, I am very afraid that, again, your paper has remained at a very superficial level, offering obvious information that does not add anything new to your readers.)
And the more important thing (avoid the word THING. Try to be more specific such as using ASPECT, LESSON) was (meeting) my first love, my husband.
At that time(,) I was 12 years old and (he was) 16. (H)is brother and sister used to be my best friends and we (spent) all the time together, but not him, he was very introspective and (at times a) little unfriendly(.) (He was) always in a bad mood, and I think that was what called my attention. (Really? Why? Usually, people steer away from grouchy people. I think you owe it to your reader an explanation for all this love for the usual.)
I used to be a teenager completely in love, doing anything to see him at least a little everyday, thinking (about) the possibility of kissing him some day. I remember that day (I kissed him for the first time) until now. (How did it happen? You need to offer excrutiating details on this incident to make it your own. You need to offer enough details in this description to make the reader feel that this is your story and no one else’s.)
(I)t was at the stairways of the first floor. (B)oth (of us were) totally (a)shamed (Why were you guys so ashamed? Did you guys do anything wrong? How did he feel about you? Did he like you as well?), and after that we didn’t talk (to) each other for months (Why did it happen?), but when the shame (had worn) off (What did it take for the shame to wear off? Did other people realize you had been acting differently from before?), everything (became) normal again, and we became very closely friends. (How did this process happen?)
(In spite of) that (that what?), for a long period, our lives have gone different ways (for instance?), he had a lot of girlfriends, had (gotten) married, and had a child. (Fernanda, in English, it is not enough to simply mention facts. You need to further explore them. However, if you further explore all these topics, you would be writing a biographical account of your husband’s life. So, my suggestion is for you to focus on the kissing only and offer details on that. Remember that length is not what we are after in this course.)
I had been dating (one of my husband’s best friends )for 8 years, and in the world’s cup of 2006 when both were single, (we got) involved again until nowadays.
Fernanda,
I think that the most important area for you to focus on is level of specificity. You need to abandon this broad, general view of the story you are trying to tell us and focus on a short, brief aspect of it and tell us with so many details that we would be taken by your words as if your composition was a movie we were watching on TV, scene by scene, involving us deeply into your story.
Rick