Mauro – Portfolio #1
June 7, 2009Nowadays, the consumption of alcohol by the teens has been increasing by leaps and bounds rate. In Brazil, the Instituto da Droga e Toxicodependência (IDT) claimed that the rate has risen from 30% in 2001 to 40% in 2007. In the United States, the use of alcohol is associated with teen’s death: according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, in 2001, the car accidents involving teens was its main cause.
Teen access to booze without bound is a problem that has not been treated with due attention, mainly because the society has a penchant for accepting the consumption of alcohol as a normal fact. It is not considered as harmful as the other drugs. For instance, the advertising of beer is associated with happiness. It always presents health and beautiful people in pleasurable moments, but its consequences are never shown. Another example is a nonsense fact in which some fathers incentives their sons to drink only to “become a man”.
For the adolescents, it is extremely excruciating since they are more vulnerable to the action of alcohol in their minds. Their brains are still in formation. As a consequence there is an increase of the chance of having a mental disorder disease in the future. This fact, associated with inexperience is responsible for the enhancement of the accidents. The free access to booze is the first step for the teens to become an addict as an adult. According to Associação Brasileira de Estudos do Álcool e outras Drogas (Abead) the earlier is the consumption, greater is the probability of dependency.
For this reason, it is necessary to make the population think over about this issue. Campaigns should be made targeted on the consequences of the earlier consumption of alcohol. The government can contribute classifying alcohol in the same category of tobacco with a more strict control, applying the legislation effective, punishing who do not accomplish it. Also the authorities could considerer it as a public health problem, giving special attention that it deserves. Last but not least, the parents should warn their children about the risks that they are taken. An open discussion is also about this issue, since in order to be accepted by the group they are sometimes forced to consume alcohol. At any rate, if some of these measures were adopted, we would have at least the beginning of the solution of a problem that our society has been facing for a long time.
Nowadays, the consumption of alcohol by the teens has been increasing by leaps and bounds. In Brazil, the Instituto da Droga e Toxicodependência (IDT) claimed that the rate has risen from 30% in 2001 to 40% in 2007. In the United States, the use of alcohol is associated with teen’s death: according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, in 2001, the car accidents involving teens was its main cause.
Teen access to booze (with no bounds) is a problem that has not been treated with due attention, mainly because society has a penchant for accepting the consumption of alcohol as a normal fact. It is not considered as harmful as the other drugs. For instance, the advertising of beer is associated with happiness. It always presents health and beautiful people in pleasurable moments, but its consequences are never shown. Another example is a nonsense fact in which some (parents encourage) their (children) to drink only to “become a man”.
For the adolescents, it is extremely (insiduous) since they are more vulnerable to the action of alcohol in their minds. Their brains are still in formation. As a consequence there is an increase of the chance of having a mental disorder disease in the future. This fact (which fact?), associated with inexperience is responsible for the (boost in) the (number of) accidents.
Free access to booze is the first step for the teens to become an addict as an adult. According to Associação Brasileira de Estudos do Álcool e outras Drogas (Abead) the earlier the consumption, (the) greater is the probability of dependency. For this reason, it is necessary to make the population think this issue (over). Campaigns should be made targeted on the consequences of the earlier consumption of alcohol. The government can contribute(,) classifying alcohol in the same category of tobacco with a more strict control, applying the legislation effective(ly), punishing who do not (comply with) it. Also(,) authorities could considerer it (it what?) as a public health problem, giving (the) special attention that it deserves. Last but not least, parents should warn their children about the risks that they are taking. An open discussion about this issue (is also vital), since in order to be accepted by the group, they (they who?) are sometimes forced to consume alcohol. At any rate, if some of these measures were adopted, we would have at least the beginning of the solution of a problem that our society has been facing for a long time.
Mauro,
Your paper is quite long and touches on many important aspect of teenage consumption of alcohol. The only two areas that I would like you to focus on for future papers are: (1) the American rhetorical mode for the organization of your paper, and (2) grammar.
For paper is still organized in a very Latin fashion. I would like you to try to modify the structure of the following papers in a more American way. Also, I need you to proofread your papers more carefully, trying to spot your grammar errors. Also, in the future, I recommend you take our Advanced Grammar courses as well.
Content: 5 / 5
Structure: 4 / 5
Vocabulary: 5/ 5
Grammar: 4/ 5
Mechanics: 5 / 5
Total: 23 /25
Note: Mauro, since this paper is much longer than what people have been producing, I am doubling your grade and counting as TWO of your portofolio papers.
Total: 46 / 50