Riad # 6
May 28, 2009Last october I and my wife went in Paris,one sunday mornig we scheduled a visit to the Middle Age museum in Saint Germain du Pre;we spent two hours enjoying the paintings,ceramics and of course the History of that interesting age;when we left it was raining cats and dogs and we had no umbrellas nor raincoats,however,there was a church in front of the museum and we sheltered there ;when we entered what a big surprise ,a huge gotic nave envolved in shade,only a bright light coming from the altar ,the air was full of incence and the best;a beautiful music,actually a gregorian chorus coming from the balcony;that atmosphere and that music touched our hearts and we sat and listened,God knows that I’m an atheist but I almost changed my mind,that’s why religions need an ‘enviroment’ TO MANTAIN their ‘SHEEPS’
Last (O)ctober, my wife (and I) went in Paris(.) One (S)unday (morning)(,) we scheduled a visit to the Middle Age museum in Saint Germain du Pre. (W)e spent two hours enjoying the paintings, ceramics and(,) of course(,) the (h)istory of that interesting age. (W)hen we left (the place)(,) it was raining cats and dogs and we had no umbrellas nor raincoats(.) (H)owever, there was a church in front of the museum and we (looked for) shelter there. (W)hen we walked into the church(,) we faced a huge (Gothic) nave, envolved in (the) shade, (with) only a bright light coming from the altar. (T)he air (smelled) of incence (as a Gregorian chorus sound would echo from the balcony.) (T)hat atmosphere and music touched our hearts (as) we sat and listened (to it, taking the whole experience in.) God knows I’m an atheist(,) but (, at that moment,) I felt like a sheep, sheltered by that wonderful environment.
Riad,
This paper has a lot of potential to become a portofolio paper. All you need to do is to provide more details to make your reader FEEL the same sensation you did when you experienced that church.
Also, be careful with Capital Letters and puctuation throughout your paper.
Good job,
Rick