Riad – # 4 – Chilling News
May 19, 2009Chilling news. In the middle of the night, drive me crazy when I’m not prepared to take in it, at the first moment I feel completely distressed and I have no reaction but as a doctor I have been trainned to overcome that behavior and gradually I calm down. Par example
Saturday night I was sleeping when the phone called and a strange voice told me that he was a member of the fire-brigade appointed to the rescue staff and trying to speak calmaly he said that my son with four other guys have suffered a car accident, I became astonished and I could’t handle with that at the first moment ;I really was driving to pannic;after a while,gradually I became cool ,asked for details and I prepared myself to go there. I reached the place and I found out a very sad scenario ;two cars completely destroied and the boys and one girl bleeding in several injuries, I kept my cold blood and with the valious help of the paramedics I made the first aid in all of them and after that I took them to the hospital,at that moment I felt relief because I realized that the wounded guys including my son didn’t suffer any mortal or serious injury, all that mess could be fixed
In front an acute bad happenings people must maintin the self control to handle the problem with efficacy.
Chilling news (Riad, maybe it is better for you to make this first line into the title of your paper.) (Riad, where is your topic sentence?) In the middle of the night, (it) drive(s) me crazy when I’m not prepared to take (it) in (to take what in?) (Riad, also, there is no SUJEITO OCULTO in English, so you must use the dumb IT). (A)t first, I (felt) completely distressed (devoid of any) reaction, but as a doctor, I (was) trained to overcome that behavior and gradually I calm(ed) down. (For example,) Saturday night, I was sleeping when the phone (rang) and a strange voice told me that he (he who?) was a member of the fire-brigade appointed to the rescue staff (. Speaking) calmly(,) he said that my son (along) with four other guys(,) (had) suffered a car accident(.) I became astonished and I couldn’t handle (the news) at the first moment. I (literally panicked.) After a while, I cooled) down, asked for (the) details and I prepared myself to go there (there where?). I reached the place (which place?) and I found a very sad scenario(:) two cars completely destroyed and the boys and one girl bleeding (from) several injuries. I kept cold blood(ed) and with the (valuable) help of the paramedics(,) I (provided) first aid (to)all of them. I took them to the hospital (afterwards.) (A)t that moment, I felt relie(ved) because I realized that the wounded guys including my son didn’t suffer any mortal or serious injury, (and that)all that mess could be fixed(.) (When facing) an acute (mis)happening, people must (have) self-control to handle the problem with efficacy.
Riad,
Without a shadow of a doubt, this is your most contained, focused paper so far. The vocabulary is quite rich and the story is much easier to follow. The area you need to start focusing on right now is to follow the American Rhetorical structure that we have been discussing in class.
Rick