Paula # 1 – Introduction
May 5, 2009I was born in Rio de Janeiro, the most amazing city in Brazil, due to its beaches, nature and its natural beauty. My parents came to São Paulo with me and my youngest sister when I was only two years old, so during my adolescence we always went to Rio to visit my grandmother and grandfather.
I graduated in Economics last year, in june. During the last year of the university
I was born in Rio de Janeiro, the most amazing city in Brazil due to its beaches, nature and its natural beauty (hummm, this last item made your text sound a bit repetitious). My parents came to São Paulo with my youngest sister (and me) when I was only two years old, so during my (teenage years), we always went to Rio to visit my grandmother and grandfather. (Why did you parents decide to move to São Paulo? How do you feel about being Carioca? Do you feel you are a Carioca or is your heart undoubtlessly Paulistano?)
I graduated in Economics last year in June. During the last year of the university…
(Paula, be careful not to change the subject matter so abruptly like this. In English, it is always more advisable to stick to a topic and explore it further rather than mention several topics superficially. If you go back to my sample of being Japanese, you will see that I have dealt with one aspect of it.)
I was born in Rio de Janeiro, the most amazing city in Brazil, due to its beaches and nature. My parents came to São Paulo with my youngest sister and me when I was only two years old, so during my teenage years, we always went to Rio to visit my grandmother and grandfather.
The decision to move to São Paulo was made together by my parents, but basically all my mother’s family was living here in São Paulo, that was the major reason for their decision.
Rio is a great place to spend vacations and to have fun, but to live and work, I prefer São Paulo, because, obviously, I’m used to live here. But I’m very proud of being carioca!
In São Paulo I have sudied at Colegio Santo Américo, a beautiful and excelent school. I have lots of good things to remember from school times, and my best friends are from there.
After school I graduated in Economics, at Ibmec São Paulo, last year, in june. At university I have learnt a lot, the teachers are the best there. It was really hard but it’s worth it. During the last year of university I was trainee at a bank. In july of 2008 I turned to employee at this bank, in the Credit Department.
While time was passing by, in final months of last year I discovered that I wasn’t fitting in this type of activity (financial market), so at the beginning of March of this year I quit my job at the bank.
Now I’m planning to continue my studies in a different area: public policies.
(Who are you? Maybe it would be a good idea for you to start your paper with My name is Paula.) I was born in Rio de Janeiro, the most amazing city in Brazil, due to its beaches and nature. My parents came to São Paulo with my youngest sister and me when I was only two years old, so during my teenage years, we always went to Rio to visit my grandmother and grandfather. (This is an excellent first paragraph. Your text reads with great flow and pace.)
The decision to move to São Paulo was made together by my parents, but basically all my mother’s family was living here in São Paulo, (which) was the major reason for their decision.
Rio is a great place to spend vacations and to have fun, but to live and work, I prefer São Paulo, because, obviously, I’m used to (living) here. But I’m very proud of being carioca(.) (Paula, a writer should not use punctuation to express her ideas. You should use WORDS to do so.)
In São Paulo, I sudied at Colegio Santo Américo, a beautiful and excellent school (Hummm, maybe you could have chosen more specific adjectives to describe your school so that your description provides the readers with a clear picture of what Santo Americo is all about. For instance, “I studied at Colégio Bandeirantes, a high school in São Paulo that is famous for preparing students very effectively for the several college entrance examinations around the country.)
I have lots of good things to remember from school times, and my best friends are from there (Paula, you should avoid empty words at all cost in writing. GOOD, THING are empty words. My suggestion is for you to go ahead and already try to explore these THINGS. For instance, you could say, “My most unforgettable remembrace from Santo Américo are my friends. Although we have not kept in touch as much as I would like to, Fernanda Yoshida used to be my best friend from 8th grade until our senior year. We used to hang out at the school playground everyday, gossiping about the group of rich girls whom we did not like much in class while we checked out the guys from the higher grades playing basketball all sweaty during their Physical Education classes.)
After school I graduated in Economics, at Ibmec São Paulo, last year, in june. At university, I have learnt a lot (again, Paula, your text remains at a very superficial level where the reader is left without the clear picture of what you learned exactly in college. In English, we value how deep you are able to get in your writings more than how long your writing is. If I were you, I would focus on only one aspect of it and NOT mention the other topics. In English, you have two choices in writing. (1) You mention AND EXPLORE an idea, or (2) you do not mention the idea at all).
The teachers are the best there (Again, you would need to further explain it. Why are the teachers the best? What makes them the best? SHOW ME that they are the best. Here is a great example of an idea that you can simply abandon.)
It was really hard but it was worth it (Again, you are TELLING your reader that school was hard. In English, you would have to SHOW US that school was hard through real examples. I don’t know if you have already noticed it, Paula, but if you address all of the comments I have been making in your paper, you would write an autobiographical account of your life that could be the size of a book.)
During the last year of university, I was trainee at a bank (Which bank? In English, we value speficity a lot. Itau? Bradesco?) In July of 2008(,) I (was formally hired) at this bank in the Credit Department.
While time was passing by, (at the end of) last year I discovered that I wasn’t fitting in this type of activity in the financial market (Why not? What wasn’t working exactly?) so (so is a very informal connector. It is equivalent to E AÍ in Portuguese. Try, Because of my discontentment at work,) at the beginning of March of this year, I quit my job at the bank.
Now I’m planning to continue my studies in a different area: public policies. (Why such field? What is so appealing about it? What has driven you to choose such area?)
Paula,
My suggestion is for you to select only certain parts of this text and work on only those.
Rick