Laura #1 – Introduction
May 5, 2009My name is Laura Cardillo Moura Neves. I was born in São Paulo, Brazil in the seventies. My father’s side of the family is from Rio de Janeiro. During my teenage years my father was transfered to Rio. My stepmother, her daugther and I(or is it me?) joined him. I lived in Rio for almost two years. It was a great experience to live in a different city. I made good friends with whom I’m still in contact. I came back to São Paulo because I wanted to go to college here. And also because I missed my mom and my brothers. I studied psychology at Pontificia Universidade Catolica with the intention of helping people, making them feel better about themselves. Little did I now that ten years later I would be working in a big Company, helping only very rich business men. I come from a very loving family. Even thought my father had been married three times and had five children from three different women. We are very very close. My brothers, sister and stepsisters do a lot of things together. And now together we are coping with my fathers death. It’s not been easy but I feel I have to be strong for my son, who is only two years old. At this point in my life I’m just rethinking and changing everything: work, home, life style… I’m a work in progress.
My name is Laura Cardillo Moura Neves. I was born in São Paulo, Brazil in the seventies. My father’s side of the family is from Rio de Janeiro. (Why did they move to São Paulo? How come you were born in São Paulo?)
During my teenage years, I lived in Rio for almost two years. (Why was that? Did your parents move to Rio? How did you adapt in such a different city? Do you prefer Rio or São Paulo?) It was a great experience (In which sense? What did you learn from it?)
But I came back to São Paulo because I wanted to go to college here (Did you leave your parents in Rio? How did they react to you wanting to move far away from them? Weren’t they protective of you because you are a girl? And why did you decide to study so far away from home? Were you trying to get away from your parents?)
I studied psychology at Pontificia Universidade Catolica (Why psychology?).
I have three brothers and one sister that are very important to me (Why are they so important to you? Is it because you left them in Rio so that you could pursue your studies here in São Paulo?)
And a two year old boy that means the world to me. (Laura, I am sure your life is very interesting, but in English, it is better for you to choose a very specific aspect of it to make your paper your own. It is always advisable to stay away from the superficial approach to writing to ensure that the specificity of your paper will make your paper unique.)
My name is Laura Cardillo Moura Neves. I was born in São Paulo, Brazil in the seventies. My father’s side of the family is from Rio de Janeiro. During my teenage years(,) my father was transfered to Rio. My stepmother, her daugther and I (decided to) join him. I lived in Rio for almost two years. It was a great experience to live in a different city.
(Laura, take a look at your four first sentences. You have the tendency to write very short ones, which is OK. However, sometimes, you should vary your syntactic variety with the purpose of making your text sound a bit more sophisticated grammatically. I will give you an example. You could have written something like, my mother, my step sister and I lived in Rio for almost years after my father had been transfered to the city.)
(Although) I made good friends with whom I’m still in contact, I came back to São Paulo because I wanted to go to college here. (Using subordinate conjunctions like Although, however, if, in spite of shows a different kind of connection between your ideas. Try to make use of these words more often when you write.)
Also, because I missed my mom and my brothers (I don’t get the connection between this sentence and the rest of your text.)
I studied psychology at Pontificia Universidade Catolica with the intention of helping people, making them feel better about themselves. Little did I now that ten years later, I would be working in a big company (in English, it is very common for you to mention names. The more specific your text is the more proficient you are seen as a writer), helping only very rich business men (ha ha ha
Fate can be ironic sometimes, can’t it? Is that the reason why you have decided to quit your job?)
I come from a very loving family. Even though my father has been married three times already and had five children with three different women(,) we are very very close. My brothers, sister and step sisters do a lot of things together (Things? What things? Things is a very weak word in English and carries absolutely no meaning. You should strive to be more specific again and be careful not to leave your text at a very superficial level.)
And now, together, we are coping with my father (’s) death (And how are you guys coping with it? In English, it would be very appropriate for you to SHOW the readers how your father’s death has brought you guys even closer together.)
It’s not been easy, but I feel I have to be strong for my son, who is only two years old. At this point in my life I’m just rethinking and changing everything (around): work, home, and life style. (Laura, you cannot use ellipsis in English. Ellipsis show that you are not sure of what you want to say.) I’m a work in progress.
My name is Laura Cardillo Moura Neves. I was born in São Paulo, Brazil in the seventies. My father’s side of the family is from Rio de Janeiro. During my teenage years, my father was transfered to Rio. It was a great experience to live in a different city with diferent habits, accent, colors and smells.
Although I made good friends with whom I’m still in contact, I came back to São Paulo because I wanted to go to college here.
I studied psychology at Pontificia Universidade Catolica with the intention of helping people, making them feel better about themselves. Little did I now that ten years later, I would be working at PricewaterhouseCoopers helping only very rich business men.
I come from a very loving family. Even though my father has been married three times already and had five children with three different women, we are very very close. My brothers, sister and step sisters love to spend time together, cooking, discussing movies and books, always with quality music like jazz, soul, brazilian popular music playing in the background.
And now, together, we are coping with my father’s death by hanging out together more oftenly. To honor and remember my father and his great advices we all, including my stepmother, got matching tatoos representing our infinite love for him.
It’s not been easy, but I feel I have to be strong for my son, who is only two years old. At this point in my life I’m just rethinking and changing everything around: work, home, and life style. I’m a work in progress.
My name is Laura Cardillo Moura Neves. I was born in São Paulo, Brazil in the seventies. My father’s side of the family is from Rio de Janeiro. During my teenage years, my father was transfered to Rio. It was a great experience to live in a different city with diferent habits, accent, colors and smells.
Although I made good friends with whom I’m still in contact, I came back to São Paulo because I wanted to go to college here. I studied psychology at Pontificia Universidade Catolica with the intention of helping people, making them feel better about themselves. Little did I now that ten years later, I would be working at PricewaterhouseCoopers helping only very rich business men.
I come from a very loving family. Even though my father has been married three times already and had five children with three different women, we are a (tight-knit family). My brothers, sister and step sisters love to spend time together, cooking, discussing movies and books, always with quality music like jazz, soul, Brazilian popular music playing in the background.
And now, together, we are coping with my father’s death by hanging out together more (often). To honor and remember my father and his great (pieces of advice), we all, including my stepmother, got matching tattoos (where? which ones?) representing our infinite love for him.
It’s not been easy, but I feel I have to be strong for my son, who is only two years old. At this point in my life, I (have been) just rethinking and changing (changing in which direction?) everything around: work, home, and lifestyle. I’m a work in progress.