Roberta – Paper #4
October 29, 2008I’d like to virtually introduce my fiancee. First time I met him I thought that I had never seen such a sexy male full mouth before. Besides, inspite of the fact of his baldness, what for me in a first instance is not attractive, his charm involved me in a way that I was totally fascinated and, maybe, already in love. I always was crazy about broad-shouldered men thus I started to think that God gave me a precious gift, my husband to be. Because of the lack of time, two or three times a week I find him with his sensual bald, combining with his thick eyelashes. When he smiles and his dimples come up to me, I feel loved and special, as I was the happiest woman in the world.
I’d like to virtually introduce my fiancee. The first time I met him I thought that I had never seen such a full mouthed sexy male before. In spite of his baldness, which for me is not attractive at first glance, his charm involved me in a way that I was totally fascinated (Roberta, you have the tendency to break your sentence flow with clauses that interrupt the meaning of your sentences. Try to maintain SUBJECT + VERB + COMPLEMENT as much as possible as you write you sentences.) and maybe already in love. I have always been crazy about broad-shouldered men. Thus, I started to think that God had given me a precious gift, my husband to be. Because of the lack of time, two or three times a week I find him (What do you mean by find him?) with his sensual bald, combining with his thick eyelashes. When he smiles, his dimples come out, making me feel loved and special, as if I were the happiest woman in the world.
Roberta,
It is funny that I remember having given you comments on all of your papers. But as I checked your papers 1, 2, and 3, it shows me that the comments have been erased
Rick
Comment:
I’d like to virtually introduce my fiancee (Roberta, remember that you are not supposed to talk to the reader so informally like that. It would be better for you to start your paper in the second line.) The first time I met my fiance I thought that I had never seen such a full mouthed sexy male before. Besides, in spite of his baldness, which for me was not attractive at first glance, his charm involved me in a way that I was totally fascinated and, maybe, already in love. (Here you would need to SHOW us his charm) I was always crazy about broad-shouldered men; thus, I started to think that God had given me a precious gift, my husband to be. Because of the lack of time, two or three times a week, I would stare at his sensual baldness, matching his thick eyelashes. When he smiles and his dimples pop out at me, making me feel loved and special, as if I were the happiest woman in the world.
Roberta,
You should compare your original writing with my comments. You will notice that I have made several changes in the language both as far as vocabulary as well as grammar goes.
Rick