Eliana — Portofolio #3

Being the oldest child could be a great improvement on the person’s personality, because it could bring maturity, independence, and responsibility in his or her life.

(Where is your topic sentence? Here, you would need something like “One of the advantages of being born the oldest is the maturity level the oldest child reaches early in his lifetime.” The topic sentence is basically a repetition of the thesis statement containing ONLY the idea that this specific paragraph will deal with.) The oldest brother or sister has to deal with the lack of attention when the younger one is born. Parents have to pay more attention to the new one so the oldest one has to start working on his or her feelings of rejection, which is an effective way to develop maturity. When my sister Adriana Oliveira was born on 06/29/71, I was just one and a half year old, and I felt so jealous of her that I always wanted to hurt her. When I was three and she was an year and a half, I started to bite her back every time we were playing in our house yard while my mom was doing the chores inside the house. After two days bitting her, my mom found out and put pepper in my mouth. I never bit my sister anymore and I’ve learned  that I would have to share my parents affection. Therefore, this experience made me a more mature person.

Also, being the oldest could be a way of learning to do things by him or herself , which will generate a sense of independence. If the oldest would have to wait for his or her parents to do everything. For him or her it (it what?) could be so frustating because the new one has the priority, and children don’t have patience for waiting. So, one of the ways to solve this problem of waiting  is trying to do things without parental supervision. I remember that, in the summer of 1978, when our entire family was spending our vacation at the beach of Ubatuba, we were preparing to go back to the house we were staying. I was so tired and so hungry that I didn’t have the patience to wait for my entire family to go to the house, so I decided to walk alone to the house, which was only two blocks away from the beach. Certainly, my mom , Geni Oliveira, blew up at me and I taught me that it was too dangerous to do what I’d done. But doing that showed me that being the oldest one leads the person to be more independent. 

Also, being the oldest turns out to be an important way to learn what responsability is. Parents give to the oldest one, rather she or he likes it or not, the task of taking care of the younger one, watching and protecting them from dangerous things that the oldest one has already experienced. So, the oldest ends up being responsible for the new one. Through all my childhood, I experienced being rensponsible for my sister Adriana Oliveira. My mom was always telling me to look after her. When I was ten and she was eight we were both studying at Colegio Joana D’Arc in São Paulo, and in that year, 1980, my sister was an overweight girl and her collegues started bulling her about her fatness, so she went to me crying for help, and a strong feeling about doing justice overwhelmed me and I got so angry with those kids that I blew up at them and also went to the principal office to complain about what had happened. After that, I felt so important and satisfied because my sister never had that problem again, and I was the one responsible for it. Therefore being the oldest one create an important sense of being a responsible person.

Eliana,

On the two days of the Writing Course, we teachers do not give students feedback for two reasons: everyone gets to turn in late work and the number of compositions for teachers to give feedback to is overwhelming. Second, since it is the end of the course, anyway, there is no reason to provide suggestions for a rewrite since there will be no rewrite. So here are your grades based on the quality of your work.

Content: 5/5

Structure: 5/5

Vocabulary: 4/5 

Grammar: 3/5

Mechanics: 3/5

Total: 20/25

Eliana,

Your text is quite rich as far as content and structure go. However, you have been making several basic grammar errors that are quite annoying to Americans. I have marked most of them in bold. You should compare those corrections to your original text and try to understand why you have made them. Also, it would not hurt for you to buy a grammar book. (Raymond Murphy’s Grammar in Use, or Elizabeth Azar Understanding English Grammar would be great choices. Both books come with answer keys so that you could do the studying on your own.)

Also, I have not received your portofolios # 1 and # 2. Please work on them until Tuesday at 6:30  p.m.

Rick 

Rick

Being the oldest child could be a great improvement on the person’s personality, because it could bring maturity, independence, and responsibility in his or her life.

The oldest brother or sister  has to deal whith the lack of attention when the younger one borns. The parents have to pay more attention to the new one, so the oldest has to start to work on his or hers feelings of rejection. Therefore this is a good way to develop maturaty. When my sister Adriana Oliveira born in 06/29/71 I was just one and a half year old, and I felt so jelous about her that I always wanted to hurt her, when I was three and she was an year and a half I started to bite her back every time we were playing at our house’s yard while my mom was doing the chores inside the house. After two days bitting her my mom discovered and put pepper on my mouth. I never bite my sister anymore and I’ve learned  that I would have to share my parents affection, and this experience made me a more mature person.

Also, being the oldest could be a way of learning to do things by him or herself , which will generate a sense of independence. If the oldest would have to wait for his or her parents for doing everything from him or her it could be so frustating because the new one has the priority, and children don’t have patience for waiting. So one of the ways to solve this problem of waiting,  is trying to do things whithout parenting supervising. I remember that in the summer of 1978 when our entire family was spending vacation at the beach of Ubatuba, one day on the beach, when we were preparing to went back to the house we were staying,I was so tired and so hungry that I didn’t had the patience to wait for my entire family to went to the house, so I decided to walk alone to the house which was only two blocks away from the beach. Certainly my mom , Geni Oliveira, blew up at me and I learned that it was too dangerous what I’ve done. But doing that it had shown that being the oldest one leads the person to be more independent. 

As well, being the oldest turns out to be an important way to learn what responsability is. The parents give to the oldest one, rather she or he like it or not, the task of taking care of the younger one. Whatchig and protecting from the dangerous things that the oldest one has already experienced. So the oldest ends up to be resnposible for the new one. Through all my childhood I experienced being rensponsible for my sister Adriana Oliveira. My mom was always telling me to look after her. When I was ten and she was eight we were both studying at Colegio Joana D’Arc in São Paulo, and in that year, 1980, my siater was a overweight girl and her collegues started bulling her about her fatness, so she went to me crying for help, and a strong feeling about doing justice overwhelmed me and I got so angry with those kids that I blew up at them and also went to the principal office to do a complaint about what have happend. After that I felt so important and satisfied because my sister never had that problem again, and I was the one responsible for it. Therefore being the oldest one create an important sense of being a responsible person.