Cláudia — Portofolio #2

Cell phones have brought about many positive changes in terms of saving time in people’s lives.  There was a time that people had to walk to places to be able to talk using a public phone; however, today we have the opportunity to communicate using a mobile;  in other words, people don’t have to be indoors to talk to someone, saving time.  I have such a disappointing example to mention that happened in my family. (Claudia, you cannot talk directly to your reader like that. Instead, simply start narrating the event in your text.)  For instance, when I went to visit my grandmother on Christmas Eve, she was healthy after I gave her a gift. However, when I got home after having filled up the tank of my car, my grandfather had called my brother to tell him that my grandmother was feeling sick. (Why would he call your brother? Were you with your brother at the moment? These scattered pieces of information are a little misleading to the reader.) I went to his house and took her to the hospital, but it was too late, she couldn’t resist the heart attack and died.  I still think that if I had my mobile on me, I could have saved some time to be able to save my grandmother’s life.  Therefore, modern thechnology has improved a lot people’s life.

Claúdia,

 Structurally speaking, your paper is very sound. However, I am having a hard time finding the semantic connection between your example and the rest of the paragraph. Here are your grades: Content = 2/5; Structure = 4/5; Vocabulary = 3/5 ( too basic); Grammar = 3/5 (too basic), Mechanics= 4/5. Total points = 16/25

Modern technology, such as mobile phones have brought about many positives changes in terms of saving time  in people’s life.  There was a time that people had to reach a  phisical place in order to have a telephone to talk; however, today we have the opportunity to talk using a mobile phone, in other words, people don’t have to be indoors to talk to someone, saving people’s time.  I have such a desappointing example to mention that happened in my family,  I went to visit my grandmother on Christmas Eve, she was healthy when I left her home after giving her a gift, then I went to put gas in my car, and when I got home, my grandfather called my brother to tell that my grandmother was feeling sick. I went to his house and took her to the hospital, but it was too late, she couldn’t resist the heart attack and died.  I still think that if I had my mobile with me I could have saved some time to save my grandmother’s life.  Therefore, modern thechnology has improved a lot people’s life.

Christiano — Portofolio #3

Content = 5/5

Structure = 5/5

Vocabualary = 5/5

Grammar = 5/5

Mechanics = 4/5

Total Grade = 24 /25 

  The subway extension in Sao Paulo has to be built as soon as possible by the local government or through private funding so as to decrease the car traffic, improve the air quality, and provide a more effective public transportation to the Brazilian population.  

   If Sao Paulo had more subways extensions, there would be less cars on the streets, generating less traffic. If Sao Paulo had a wider range of subway extensions and an easy access to them, people would leave their cars at home. Sao Paulo is a city of 30 million people with a large territorial extension, but holds only 65 kilometers of subway lines, according to Companhia Metropolitana. It’s less than one station by neighborhood. In London, for instance, the subway extension is 450 kilometers, based on London Underground reports. This small extension in Sao Paulo is forcing population to take buses or cars to go to work or to their leisure time. Due to this, the number of cars is increasing, causing much more traffic in the city, creating a vicious circle: no subways, more cars, more traffic. Therefore, Sao Paulo subway extensions will encourage people to leave their cars at home, generating much less traffic.

   Second, too many cars on the streets end up causing a lot of air pollution in the city. Ther are more than 15 million cars on the streets in Sao Paulo, based on the last DETRAN report. This is something like 1 car for each 2 people. This ratio is amazing. These cars are living huge quantities of CO2 in the atmosphere, which is a very polluting gas, contributing to worst levels of air quality and generating some breathing disorders in part of the population. The subway’s source of energy is eletricity. There is no emission of polluting gases. Thus, by increasing subway lines, the government will be helping the environment too.

   Finally, the subway can turn into an efficient replacement of the use of cars in the city of Sao Paulo. With no unexpected brakes, traffic lights and with a huge accuracy level in the estimated time between starting and arriving point, subway can serve as the solution to the chaos Sao Paulo’s transportation is in today. Time is something valuable nowadays. Taking public transportations knowing exactly how long the journey will be is almost bliss (or blessing). There will be  no rain, no traffic and no possible violence at the traffic lights to bother the population anymore. Even a person who lives far away from work will schedule his life and will have a better life quality. The subway extensions can significantly improve the Brazilian’s population way of life.                                                    

  The subway extension in Sao Paulo has to be built as soon as possible by the local government or through private funding so as to decrease the car traffic, improve the air quality and provide a more effective public transportation to the Brazilian population.  

   If Sao Paulo had more subways extensions, there would be less cars in the streets, generating less traffic. If Sao Paulo had a wider range of subway extensions and an easy access to them, people would leave their cars at home. Sao Paulo is a city of 30 million people with a large territorial extension, but holds only 65 kilometers of subway lines, according to Companhia Metropolitana. It’s less than one station by neighborhood. In London, for instance, the subway extension is 450 kilometers, based on London Underground reports. This small extension in Sao Paulo is forcing population to take buses or cars to go to work or to their leisure time. Due to this, the number of cars is increasing, causing much more traffic in the city, creating a vicious circle: no subways ,more cars, more traffic. Therefore, Sao Paulo subway extensions will encourage people to leave their cars at home, generating much less traffic.

   Second, to many cars in the streets end up causing a lot of air pollution in the city. Ther are more than 15 million cars on the streets in Sao Paulo, based on the last DETRAN report. this is something like 1 car for each 2 people. This ratio is amazing. These cars are living huge quantities of CO2 in the atmosphere, which is a very polluting gas, contributing to worst levels of air quality and generating some breathing disordes in part of population. The subway’s source of energy is eletricity. There is no emission og polluting gases. Thus, by increasing subway lines, the government will be helping the environment too.

   Finally, the subway can turn into an efficient replacement of the use of cars in the city of Sao Paulo. With no unexpected brakes, traffic lights and with a huge accuracy level in the estimated time between starting and arriving point, subway can serve as the solution to the chaos Sao Paulo’s transportation is in today. Time is something valuable nowadays. Taking public transportations knowing exactly how long the journey will be is almost a bless. There will be  no rain, no traffic and no possible violence at the traffic lights to botter the population anymore. Even a person who lives far away from work will schedule his life and will have a better life quality. The subway extensions can significantly improve the Brazilian’s population way of life.                                                                                 

The subway system extension in Sao Paulo has to be built as soon as possible by the local government or through private funding so as to decrease the car traffic, improve the air quality, and provide a more effective public transportation to the Brazilian population.   

(Where is your topic sentence only about traffic?) If Sao Paulo had a wider range of subway stations and an easy access to them, people would leave their cars at home. Sao Paulo is a city of 30 million people with a large territorial extension, but holds only 65 kilometers of subway lines, according to Companhia Metropolitana. It’s less than one station by neighborhood. In London, for instance, the subway extension is 450 kilometers, based on London Underground reports. This small extension in Sao Paulo subway is forcing population to take buses or cars to go to work or to spend their free time. Due to this, the number of cars is increasing, causing much more traffic in the city, creating a vicious circle: no subway, more cars, more traffic. (Cristiano, only now, at the end of the paragraph, you mentioned the idea of traffic. You need to have started this paragraph addressing the issue of traffic.)  Therefore, Sao Paulo subway extension will encourage people to leave their cars at home, generating much less traffic.   

Second, too many cars on the streets end up causing a lot of air pollution in the city. There are more than 15 million cars on the streets in Sao Paulo based on the last DETRAN report. This is something like 1 car for each 2 people. This ratio is amazing0. These cars are living huge quantities of CO2 in the atmosphere, which is a very polluting gas, contributing to worst levels of air quality and generating some breathing disorders in part of the population. The subways’ source of energy is the eletricity. There is no emission of polluting gases. Thus , by increasing subway lines, the government will be helping the environment too.

Finally, the subway can turn into an efficent replacement of the use of cars in the city of São Paulo. (This could work as a topic sentence for your third paragraph.) With no unexpected brakes, without traffic lights and with a high level of accuracy in the estimated time between starting and arriving point, subway can serve as the solution to the chaos São Paulo’s transportation is in today. Time is something valuable nowadays. Taking public transportation knowing exactly how long the journey will be is almost a bless. There will be no rain, no traffic, and no possibe violence at the traffic lights to bother the population anymore. Even a person who lives far away from work will schedule his life and will have a better life quality. Concluding, subways extensions can significantly improve the Brazilian`s population way of life.

Cristiano,

There were some structural problems in your text so I decide to show you the changes and not assign you a grade. Also, your individual paragraphs are a bit on the shorter side. You would have to expand both on your explanation and examples to offer something more solid to your reader.

Rick

The subway system extension in Sao Paulo has to be done as soon as possible by the local government or through private funding in order to decrease the car traffic, improve the air quality, and provide a more effective public transportation to the Brazilian population.   If Sao Paulo had a lot of subways stations and an easy access to them, people would live their cars at home. Sao Paulo is a 30 million people city with a large territorial extension but with just 65 kilometers of subway lines, according to Companhia Metropolitana. It’s less than one by neighborhood. In London, for instance, the subway extension is 450 kilometers, based on London Underground reports. This small extension in Sao Paulo subway is forcing population to take buses or cars to go to work or to spend their free time. Due to this, the car’s numbers are increasing, ending to a much more traffic in the city, creating a vicious circle: no subway, more cars, more traffic. Therefore, Sao Paulo subway extension will encourage people to leave their cars at home, generating much less traffic.   Second, too many cars in the streets ending up a lot of air polution in the city. There are more 15 million cars in the strees in Sao Paulo, based on the last DETRAN report. This is something like 1 car by each 2 persons. It’s an amazing ratio. This cars are living huge quantities of CO2 an atmosphere, which is a very poluting gas, contributing to worst levels of air quality and generating some breathing disorders in part of population. The subways’ source of energy is the eletricity. There is no emission of poluting gases. Increasing subway lines government will be helping the environment too. Finally, with no unexpected brakes, without traffic lights and with a high level of accuracy in the estimated time between starting and arriving point, subway is the more effective public transportation available. Time is something valuable nowadays. Taking a public transportation knowing exactly how lenght will be the journey is almost a bless. There will be no rain, no traffic, no possibe violence in the traffic lights. Even a person who lives far away from work will schedule his life and will have a better life quality. Concluding, subways extensions are mandatory to a better Brazilian`s population way of living.

Fabiola – Portfolio #3

 The role of cosmetic surgery in the world we live in today is to fix or bring normalcy to something that is irregular in a person’s body by helping enhance his or her self-confidence, self-love, and also well-being.

(Fabiola, it sounds to me that your first and second topics are the same. Self-esteem and self-confidence are the same, aren’t they?)

Rewriting…  

The role of cosmetic surgery in the world we live in today is to bring normalcy to something that is irregular in a person’s body by helping him or her become more outgoing, more personable, and more confident.

First, whether a person chooses to undergo plastic surgery to improve their lifestyle or to improve their looks, there will always be emotional benefits when a person is finally able to feel comfortable with their body. Many people find that they are more outgoing once they get used to their surgery transformation and this lofty sense of self-esteem can be a benefit that lasts a lifetime. For example, a friend of mine called Luciana Gonzales had lived her life scared to take on activities like swimming or aerobics because of the lack of clothing involved and the way she felt that she would be looked at by other people due to her huge breast size. The result of her breast reduction surgery was felt by everybody around her because she started participating in physical activities that she had never considered before the surgery and her beauty and grace became more noticeable. Furthermore, when a person decides to undergo plastic surgery to improve their lifestyle or to improve their look, there will always be an emotional benefit just because a person will start feeling comfortable with their body.  

Second, the benefits of cosmetic surgery are fantastic because it can make a person not only look and feel younger and prettier, but it can make them more personable to the viewers. Older or aging people have found an outlet in cosmetic surgery that psychologically makes them feel younger and more vibrant as they start to look better. Many cosmetic surgery patients discover that they are more alive than they ever would have imagined. For instance, my mother was feeling in the dumps about the aging effects on her face such as the wrinkles around her eyes, and because of that, she thought she would never be able to find another boyfriend. Thus, she decided to undergo a face lift surgery to revitalize her appearance and it really worked out because only three months after the surgery, she found out a boyfriend fifteen years younger than she was. The face lift restored her beauty by reducing the most visible signs of her aging. Moreover, the benefits of cosmetic surgery are truly fantastic because it can make a person look and feel younger and it can make them more personable by boosting their self-esteem.

Finally, individuals who undergo cosmetic surgery find themselves emotionally more confident. Patients are no longer self conscious of their physical imperfections. People who undergo plastic surgery have more confidence and mental focus after correcting a flaw and can focus on living their lives instead of worrying about the way others are looking at them. And that was what happened to Mauro Ferreira. He was born with a facial deformity which made him avoid any kind of social life. He even avoided school experience due to the teasing which might come from the other students before undergoing plastic surgery. When he was eighteen, he underwent surgery, and as soon as he recovered, he started living as an ordinary person, because for the first in his life, he was able to leave home without the deep-seated and persistent dissatisfaction with the way people looked to him. As a result, he started going to school, and few years later, he got a job because, at that time of his life, he recovered his self-confidence and found professional abilities that were hidden (covered) by his concern about his appearance. Besides that, individuals who undergo plastic surgery find themselves emotionally more confident to face the challenges of their lives.

Fabíola,

On the two days of the Writing Course, we teachers do not give students feedback for two reasons: everyone gets to turn in late work and the number of compositions for teachers to give feedback to is overwhelming. Second, since it is the end of the course, anyway, there is no reason to provide suggestions for a rewrite since there will be no rewrite. So here are your grades based on the quality of your work. Content: 5/5

Structure: 5/5

Vocabulary: 5/5 

Grammar: 4.5/5

Mechanics: 5/5

Total: 24.5/25

Fabíola,

I am quite happy at this final draft of yours. In terms of quality, the paper shows that you have put a lot of effort into it at several levels. The content is very rich, the structure very American, the vocabulary sophisticated, and the grammar quite accurate. Obviously, there is always room for improvement in any writings we do, but taken into account that this course only lasted two months, the results are more than satisfactory

Rick

Eliana — Portofolio #3

Being the oldest child could be a great improvement on the person’s personality, because it could bring maturity, independence, and responsibility in his or her life.

(Where is your topic sentence? Here, you would need something like “One of the advantages of being born the oldest is the maturity level the oldest child reaches early in his lifetime.” The topic sentence is basically a repetition of the thesis statement containing ONLY the idea that this specific paragraph will deal with.) The oldest brother or sister has to deal with the lack of attention when the younger one is born. Parents have to pay more attention to the new one so the oldest one has to start working on his or her feelings of rejection, which is an effective way to develop maturity. When my sister Adriana Oliveira was born on 06/29/71, I was just one and a half year old, and I felt so jealous of her that I always wanted to hurt her. When I was three and she was an year and a half, I started to bite her back every time we were playing in our house yard while my mom was doing the chores inside the house. After two days bitting her, my mom found out and put pepper in my mouth. I never bit my sister anymore and I’ve learned  that I would have to share my parents affection. Therefore, this experience made me a more mature person.

Also, being the oldest could be a way of learning to do things by him or herself , which will generate a sense of independence. If the oldest would have to wait for his or her parents to do everything. For him or her it (it what?) could be so frustating because the new one has the priority, and children don’t have patience for waiting. So, one of the ways to solve this problem of waiting  is trying to do things without parental supervision. I remember that, in the summer of 1978, when our entire family was spending our vacation at the beach of Ubatuba, we were preparing to go back to the house we were staying. I was so tired and so hungry that I didn’t have the patience to wait for my entire family to go to the house, so I decided to walk alone to the house, which was only two blocks away from the beach. Certainly, my mom , Geni Oliveira, blew up at me and I taught me that it was too dangerous to do what I’d done. But doing that showed me that being the oldest one leads the person to be more independent. 

Also, being the oldest turns out to be an important way to learn what responsability is. Parents give to the oldest one, rather she or he likes it or not, the task of taking care of the younger one, watching and protecting them from dangerous things that the oldest one has already experienced. So, the oldest ends up being responsible for the new one. Through all my childhood, I experienced being rensponsible for my sister Adriana Oliveira. My mom was always telling me to look after her. When I was ten and she was eight we were both studying at Colegio Joana D’Arc in São Paulo, and in that year, 1980, my sister was an overweight girl and her collegues started bulling her about her fatness, so she went to me crying for help, and a strong feeling about doing justice overwhelmed me and I got so angry with those kids that I blew up at them and also went to the principal office to complain about what had happened. After that, I felt so important and satisfied because my sister never had that problem again, and I was the one responsible for it. Therefore being the oldest one create an important sense of being a responsible person.

Eliana,

On the two days of the Writing Course, we teachers do not give students feedback for two reasons: everyone gets to turn in late work and the number of compositions for teachers to give feedback to is overwhelming. Second, since it is the end of the course, anyway, there is no reason to provide suggestions for a rewrite since there will be no rewrite. So here are your grades based on the quality of your work.

Content: 5/5

Structure: 5/5

Vocabulary: 4/5 

Grammar: 3/5

Mechanics: 3/5

Total: 20/25

Eliana,

Your text is quite rich as far as content and structure go. However, you have been making several basic grammar errors that are quite annoying to Americans. I have marked most of them in bold. You should compare those corrections to your original text and try to understand why you have made them. Also, it would not hurt for you to buy a grammar book. (Raymond Murphy’s Grammar in Use, or Elizabeth Azar Understanding English Grammar would be great choices. Both books come with answer keys so that you could do the studying on your own.)

Also, I have not received your portofolios # 1 and # 2. Please work on them until Tuesday at 6:30  p.m.

Rick 

Rick

Being the oldest child could be a great improvement on the person’s personality, because it could bring maturity, independence, and responsibility in his or her life.

The oldest brother or sister  has to deal whith the lack of attention when the younger one borns. The parents have to pay more attention to the new one, so the oldest has to start to work on his or hers feelings of rejection. Therefore this is a good way to develop maturaty. When my sister Adriana Oliveira born in 06/29/71 I was just one and a half year old, and I felt so jelous about her that I always wanted to hurt her, when I was three and she was an year and a half I started to bite her back every time we were playing at our house’s yard while my mom was doing the chores inside the house. After two days bitting her my mom discovered and put pepper on my mouth. I never bite my sister anymore and I’ve learned  that I would have to share my parents affection, and this experience made me a more mature person.

Also, being the oldest could be a way of learning to do things by him or herself , which will generate a sense of independence. If the oldest would have to wait for his or her parents for doing everything from him or her it could be so frustating because the new one has the priority, and children don’t have patience for waiting. So one of the ways to solve this problem of waiting,  is trying to do things whithout parenting supervising. I remember that in the summer of 1978 when our entire family was spending vacation at the beach of Ubatuba, one day on the beach, when we were preparing to went back to the house we were staying,I was so tired and so hungry that I didn’t had the patience to wait for my entire family to went to the house, so I decided to walk alone to the house which was only two blocks away from the beach. Certainly my mom , Geni Oliveira, blew up at me and I learned that it was too dangerous what I’ve done. But doing that it had shown that being the oldest one leads the person to be more independent. 

As well, being the oldest turns out to be an important way to learn what responsability is. The parents give to the oldest one, rather she or he like it or not, the task of taking care of the younger one. Whatchig and protecting from the dangerous things that the oldest one has already experienced. So the oldest ends up to be resnposible for the new one. Through all my childhood I experienced being rensponsible for my sister Adriana Oliveira. My mom was always telling me to look after her. When I was ten and she was eight we were both studying at Colegio Joana D’Arc in São Paulo, and in that year, 1980, my siater was a overweight girl and her collegues started bulling her about her fatness, so she went to me crying for help, and a strong feeling about doing justice overwhelmed me and I got so angry with those kids that I blew up at them and also went to the principal office to do a complaint about what have happend. After that I felt so important and satisfied because my sister never had that problem again, and I was the one responsible for it. Therefore being the oldest one create an important sense of being a responsible person.

Lucía — Portofolio #2

The O.C is an amazing sitcom because it shows not only superficial things related to money, like clothes, cars, among other, but also reality that is lived by people that live in less afortunate cities. In the beginning, it may seem that the sitcom is all about wealthy, gorgeous and perfect people, but that’s not was it’s all about since it also shows the reality that people from dangerous and poor cities have to go though. In fact, one of the main characters, Ryan is born in one of those poor, poluted and gloomy places, . Of course, the program shows scenes where Marissa and Summer, the rich, hot and spoiled girls are bad-tempered and the only solution to that seems to be shopping at the most expensive stores, but it also shows poverty and violence like in episode 2 where Ryan, the poor guy goes back to the house where he was abandoned by his mother and have flashbacks of his stepfather hitting him while drunk when he was only 8 years old, or how in front of his eyes her mother was raped. Even in Newport Beach where they’re all rich and seem to have perfect lives  Sometimes, the rich get drunk or high which are things that aren’t expected from that high social class. Therefore, I think The O.C is an stunning show.

The O.C is an amazing sitcom because it shows not only superficial things (What do you mean by things? Lucia, you should avoid the use of abstract words like that because your ideas must always be clear to your reader.) but also reality (What do you mean by in reality?) In the beginning, it may seem that the sitcom is all about wealthy, gorgeous and perfect people, but that’s not was it’s all about since it also shows the reality that people from dangerous and poor cities have to go though. In fact, one of the main characters is born in one of those places (What kind of places are you talking about?) . Of course, the program shows scenes where Marissa and Summer (Who are these people?) are bad-tempered and the only solution to that seems to be shopping at the most expensive stores, but it also shows poverty and violence like in episode 2 where Ryan (Who is he? Remember that in writing, the writer should always carry the reader along by assuming that the general reader does not watch the show and does not know what you are trying to get across.) goes back to the house where he was abandoned by his mother and have flashbacks of his stepfather hitting him while drunk when he was only 8 years old, or how in front of his eyes her mother was raped, even in Newport Beach where they’re all rich and seem to have perfect lives (Careful not to write sentences that are kilometric long so that your reader does not get lost reading them.) Sometimes, they (They who?) get drunk or high and do things (which things?) that aren’t expected from that high social class (Again, you are being too vague, Lucia). Therefore, I think The O.C is an stunning show.

Lucia,

This is the first time I have taken a look at this paper, and I don’t really feel comfortable assigning you a grade yet because you did not have the chance of working on it a second time around. You have until tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. to rewrite the piece following my comments so that you can get a deserving grade, OK? If you make no changes until then, I will assign you the grade that this paper deserves right now.

Rick

Content: 3/5

Structure: 3/5

Vocabulary: 3/5

Grammar: 3/5

Mechanics: 3/5

Total: 15/25

The O.C is an amazing sitcom because it shows not only superficial things but also reality. At the beginning it may seem that it is all about wealthy, gorgeous and perfect people, but that’s not was it’s all about it also shows the reality that people from dangerous and poor cities have to go though, in fact one of the main characters is born in one of that places. Of course it shows scenes where Marissa and Summer are bad-tempered and the only solution to that seems to be shopping at the most expensive stores but it also shows poverty and violence like in episode 2 where Ryan goes back to the house where he was abandoned by his mother and have flashbacks of his stepfather hitting him while drunk when he was only 8 years old, or how in front of his eyes her mother was raped, even in Newport Beach where they’re all rich and seem to have perfect lives sometimes they get drunk or high and do things that aren’t expected from that high social class. Therefore, I think The O.C is an stunning show.

Vanessa — Portofolio #3

Parents should allow their children not to go to college if they don’t want to because children should have the right to choose what is best for them, they should not be influence by their parents, and children should be able to work in other areas if he or she decides not to pursue a university degree.(Vanessa, try to vary your vocabulary words so that your text sounds more advanced to your readers).

(Where is your topic sentence? This paragraph feels as if you started your body paragraph with the explanation already, without informing your reader what this specific paragraph is about.) Most teenagers at the age of 17 already know what they do not want to do for the rest of their lives and only some of them know what they want to study.They are mature enough to know what is best for them, and because of that, they should have the right to choose whether or not they want to go to college. For instance, Maria Du Carmo Pereira da Silvia is a 17-years-old Brazilian teenager. She faced a myriad of problems with her family to decide what she was going to do after graduating from high school. Her parents thought that this was a huge decision of going or not to college and they wanted to make the decision for their daugther because they thought she was not old enough to make this decision . (Vanessa, this example sounds like an example for your second idea, and not the first.) Her father, Marcos thought that because he was the man in the house, he had the right to make this important decision for Maria. One day, they argued a lot (Again, you are telling your reader about it instead of showing it. In English, you cannot simply inform the reader of a fact. You need to expand it in details OR not mention it at all!) and Maria said that she had the right to choose what she thinks it is best for her because this decision will affect her whole life. After that her family tried to understand her point of view and they let her choose what she wanted. Maria decided to work in a art gallery and now she is very determinated about what she wants for her life. She wants to open her own art gallery. Therefore, everyone should have the right to decide on whether or not they should go to the university or just trying to decide which course they are going to take there because even young the teenagers know what is best for him or her.

It is not wise for parents to try to influence teenagers on their decision concerning going to college or not. A lot of parents try to interfere on their children decisions about what they are going to do after school. A lot of parents want their children to follow their footsteps on the career or they just want their kids to deal with their parents business. For instance, Rafaela de Almeida Castro is a 17 years old student that studies at Colégio Rio Branco. Her dream is to take an art course after graduation, but her parents are trying to influence her on this decision, telling her if she does that, she will starve till death. Ricardo Almeida Castro is Rafaela’s father and he is a doctor. His ambition is for his only daugther to go to medical school and after that work with him at the hospital. Rafaela does not want that for her future. First of all, because she is sick at the sight of blood. Second, she wants to be an art teacher for young children. After having had a lot of fights at home with her family, Rafaela persuade her parents that her decision would make her happy.It is awful when parents try to influence children’s decision because doing what the parents want can make the person unhappy for the rest of his or her life.

A third area why teens may not go to university right away is taht there are some areas that a person can work without a university degree. (Vanessa, this is a great topic sentence because it situates the reader on where you are as a writer: dealing with the third topic. Connectors such as FIRST, SECOND, and THIRD are very helpful in these situations.) Nowadays, it is very hard to find a job even for people who go to a university. However, there are some areas that a person can qualify without having a degree,  such as at a store, in a restaurant, in a hotel, or even as a publicity person (What do you mean exactly?). For example, Fernanda Maciel Xavier is a 23 years old woman who hated to study and to go to school when she was a teenager. When she was 17 years old, she was sure of what she did not want to go to the university. After her graduation at her school, she began to search for a job. She sent her resumé to a lot of places such as restaurants, hotels, pubs, stores, children buffet and others. It was really difficult to find a job. Only after 2 months, a hotel named Blue Tree called her for an interview. She began to work there as a maid, and after 5 years, she was promoted (to what? Also, this is argument will probably not convince your reader that a teen does not have to go to a university after high school. Think about it, Vanessa. How many people would be genuinely happy with a job as a maid for 5 years?) and nowadays she is the manager of the hotel. Of course that to be promoted, she had to take several of courses to know better how to deal with clients. (Well, but if that is the case, isn’t it the same as going to the university? Hummm… Vanessa, I am starting to think you will have to do some major revision on this paper as far as your ideas go. The first big revision is on the example of the first idea that overlaps considerably with the second part of your thesis. The other one is this third argument about people not needing a degree. In several areas of this last paragraph, you contradict yourself and base your argument on ideas that the majority of your reader would have a hard time accepting as true.) There are some people that do not want to go to college. It is even harder to find a job without attending university because the person has to dedicated even more to their jobs to be financial stable. (Where is your concluding sentence?)

Vanessa,

I have written most of my comments throughout your paper. As far as content goes, it is quite rich, but as far as the structure, grammar and vocabulary, your paper is still too rough for me to assign a grade. What I would like you to do is to work on my comments and make substantial changes in your text so that it looks more ready for a grade

Rick

Parents should allow their children not to go to college if they don’t want to because children should have the right to choose what is best for them, children should not be influence by their parents, and children can work in other areas if he or she decides not to go to college.

Most of the teenagers at the age of 17 already know what they do not want to do for the rest of their lifes and only some of them know what they want to study.They are mature enough to know what is best for them, because of that, they should have the right to choose .Maria Du Carmo Pereira da Silvia is a brazilian teenager of 17 years old.She  had a lot of problems with her family to decide what she was going to do after her graduation at school.Her parents thought that this was a huge decision of going or not to college and they wanted to make the decision for their daugther because they thought she was not old enough to make this decision .Her father, Marcos thought that because he was the man of the family he should have the right to make this important decision for Maria.One day  they argued a lot and Maria said that she should have the right to choose what she thinks it is best for her because this decision will afect her hole life.After that her family tryed to understand her point of view and they let her make the choice about what she wanted.Maria decided to work in a art gallery and now she is very determinated about what she wants for her life, she wants to open her own art gallery.Everyone should have the right to decide about going or not to the university or just trying to decide which course they are going to do there because even young the teenagers knows what is best for him or her.

It is not nice when parents try to influence on teenagers decision about going or not to college.A lot of parents try to interfier on their children decisions about what they are going to do after school, a lot of parents want that their children follow their steps on the carear or they just want that their kids deal with their parents business.Rafaela de Almeida Castro is a 17 years old student that studies at Colégio Rio Branco.Her dream is to do an art course after graduation but her parents are trying to influence her in this decision telling her if she does that she will starve till death.Ricardo Almeida Castro is Rafaela’s father and he is a doctor, his ambition is that her only daugther go to a medicine university and after that work with him at the hospital.Rafaela does not want that for her future. First of all, because she is sick only of seeing blood. Second, she wants to be a art teacher of young children.After having a lot of fights at home with her family, Rafaela persuade her parents and conviced them that her decision would make her happy.It is awful when parents try to influence on children’s decision because doing what the parents want can make the person unhappy for the rest of her or his life.

There are some areas that a person can work without doing the university.Nowadays it is very hard to find a job even for  people that goes to an university but, there are some areas that a person can be qualify withouth going to the univeristy,  such as in a store, in a restaurant, in a hotel or even as a publicity person.Fernanda Maciel Xavier is a 23 years old women that on her teenager she hated to study and to go to school. When she was 17 years old she was sure enough to know what she did not want for her life.She did not want to go to the university.After her graduation at her school she begun to search for a job.She sent her resumé to a lot of places such as restaurants, hotels, pubs, stores, children buffet and others.It was really difficult to find a job, only after 2 months an hotel named Blue Tree called her to an interview.She began to work there as a made and after 5 years she was promoted and nowadays she is the manager of the hotel.Of course that to be promoted she has done several of courses to know better how to deal with clients.There are some people that do not want to go to college, it is even harder to find a job without going because the person has to dedicated even more, to be financial stable.

Mah — Portofolio #3

Teaching adults how to read and write is a BLAH, necessary, and rewarding job. (I have changed the order of your paragraphs because rewarding sounds like a very strong reason for people to teach others how to read and write)

Second, teaching adults how to read and write is a necessary job. One of the mainly reasons why there are a lot of illiterate people around the world is the lack of oportunity of going to school for many different motives such as not having enough money to pay for it. To bridge this gap, for those who didn’t have this chance of attending school as a child, it is really important to have someone to teach them at least the the basics . Otherwise, it will be extremely hard for them to find a job that would provide them a satisfactory economic situation so that he/she is able to provide a solid education to his/her kids in the long run. For instance, Juliana Correa, a 35-years-old receptionist at a local gym, has never gone to school. She’s the daughter of a single mother who dropped out of school before high school because her mother couldn’t pay for her studies. And instead of trying to get a job to help her mother and in the future go back to school, she prefered to do nothing. When Juliana was born, the same ‘end’ was expected of her. But differently from her mother, she preferred to try to get a job to at least start a simple, but worthy life. By knocking at all the neighborhood doors, she met a woman called Giovana dos Santos who hired her to clean the garbage and to do most of the house chores everyday for a fair salary. At the age of 18, she had already saved up enough money to buy a really small room so she could have her own place and start her own life. At that time, she was working as Giovana’s daughter (I am assuming you have not finished this paper. Also, Marina, I am still not sure where you are going with this story because it sounds like it is far away from the original idea that teaching the basics is necessary in society. Make sure that the end of this paragraph links the example to the original idea.) 

(Where is your topic sentence #3?) Third, ….

When a person spends some time and energy to teach people the basics like reading and writing and he/she can see their evolution day by day and see how thankful they get, it’s one of the most rewarding and gratifing things in life. For instance, I’ve been teaching adults how to read for a couple of years, as a volunteer on my old school project. Last year, I had a student called Didi who worked as a made her whole life so she could have something to eat everyday and, because of needy, she has never been able to go to school. Now she’s almost 50 years old and decided to give herself a chance to learn how to read. In the beginning she was really shy, somedays I couldn’t even listen to her voice but not because it was lowd but because she didn’t speak at all. She was shame of herself. So once I talked to her, tried to encourage her to practice her reading skills in front of everybody because they were all there to learn just like her, told her she was doing pretty well and somehow I helped her increase herself self-esteem. From that day on,  she’s been doing her best to read better and better. And just seeing that smile on her face whenever she started reading big texts without any help, was the best thing in the world. The thing is that no matter how much adults reading and writing skills evolute, it always give them and the teacher one of the best feelings ever.

Teaching adults how to read and write is a really rewarding, necessary and … job. When a person spend some time and energy to teach people basic things like read and he/she can see their evolution day by day and see how thankful they get, it’s one of the most rewarding and gratifing things in life. For instance, I’ve been teaching adults how to read for a couple of years, as a volunteer on my old school project. Last year, I had a student called Didi who worked as a made her whole life so she could have something to eat everyday and, because of needy, she has never been able to go to school. Now she’s almost 50 years old and decided to give herself a chance to learn how to read. In the beginning she was really shy, somedays I couldn’t even listen to her voice but not because it was lowd but because she didn’t speak at all. She was shame of herself. So once I talked to her, tried to encourage her to practice her reading skills in front of everybody because they were all there to learn just like her, told her she was doing pretty well and somehow I helped her increase herself self-esteem. From that day on,  she’s been doing her best to read better and better. And just seeing that smile on her face whenever she started reading big texts without any help, was the best thing in the world. The thing is that no matter how much adults reading and writing skills evolute, it always give them and the teacher one of the best feelings ever.

Teaching adults how to read and write is also a necessary job. One of the mainly reason why there’s a lot of illiterates all around the world is lack of oportunity of going to school for many different motives such as not having enough money to pay it. So, for those who didn’t have this chance of attending school when a child, is really important to have someone to teach them at least the basic things. Otherwise, it will be extremely hard for them to find a job that would provide this person a satisfactory economic situation so he/she would be able to provide good education for his/her kids in the long run. For instance, Juliana Correa, a 35-years-old receptionist has never gone to school. She’s daughter of a single mother who dropped school before high school because her mother couldn’t pay for her studies. And instead of trying getting a job to help her mother and in the future go back to school, she prefered to do nothing. When Juliana was born, it was predicted the same ‘end’ to her. But different from her mother, she rather tried to get a job to at least start a simple but worthy life. By knocking at all the neighborhood doors she met a women called Giovana dos Santos who contracted her to clean the garbage and to do most of the house chores everyday for a fair salary. At the age of 18 years old she had already saved enough money to buy a really small room so she could have her own place and start her own life. At that time she was working as Giovana’s daughter

Amay — Portofolio #2

Sex education should be mandatory in public and private schools in order to prevent the boost of STDs. Since dealing with STDs is very complicated, it should be taken seriously by the goverment in order to decrease the number of infected people, but clearly, such issue doesn’t get much attention as it should. By 2001, there were more than 40 million infected people all over the world  by the HIV virus (According to WHOM and in which research published where and when?). This shocking number has grown a lot (What does A LOT mean? You need to be much more specific with numbers and background support for your statistics in writing.)since 2001 and won’t stop until the goverment takes action to revert this situation by including schedules of at least two sex education classes per week to inform students of the importance of the use of condoms and pills to teens’ life and health in the high school curricums of both state and private schools. These classes should alert students of how STDs can become a large (or mammoth) and potentially dangerous problem with many negative effects (Which negative effects?). Also, another way to prevent the increase of infected people is to boost the number of campaigns to stop this steady growth so that people can have more information about these serious diseases and also think about their future life before having unsafe sex. (And how would this information help the situation? You would need to show how these courses specifically can decrease the number of unwanted pregnancy and the spread of diseases.) Those are a few reasons why sex education should be mandatory in both public and private schools.

 Amay,

Your paper is much more solid than your previous versions. Your content needs a bit more substance like studies that prove that a specific program worked (3/5). Your structure is also very close to what American teens would write (4.5/5). Your vocabulary can be more sophisticated, but it is not really basic level either (4/5), and your grammar was not atrocious either, although it could be more sophisticated (4/5). You have made some errors in spelling and punctuation throughout the paper (4.5/5). Total grade: 20/25

Sex education should be mandatory in public and private schools in order to prevent the boost of STDs. Since dealing with STDs is very complicated, it should be taken seriously by the goverment in order to decrease the number of infected people, but it’s clear that it doesn’t get much atention as it should. By 2001 there were more than 40 million infected people all over the world  by the HIV virus. This chocking number has grown a lot since 2001 and won’t stop until the goverment does somenthing to revert this situation, and one way to reverse it is by including in both public and private schools class schedules at least two sex education classes per week to inform students of the importance of the use of condoms and pills to teens’ life and health. These classes should alert students of how STDs can become a big and dangerous problem with many negative effects. Also, another way to prevent the increase of infected people, is to boost the number of campaigns to stop this steady growth so that people can have more information about these serious diseases and also think about their future life before having unsafe sex. Those are a few reasons why sex education should be mandatory in both public and private schools.

Lucía — Portofolio #4

Content = 5/5

Structure = 5/5

Vocabulary = 4/5

Grammar = 4.5/5

Mechanics = 4.5/5

Total Grammar = 23/25 

Mobiles are necessary nowadays in big cities because they save time, they are instantaneous, they make everything easier. If you’re in one side of the city or even a place like a mall or restaurant, you’re not going to call the person screaming, or wait until you go home to call him/her. You just pick up your cell phone, which will be in your pocket or purse since it fits anywhere, and dial the person’s phone number and in a matter of seconds, you’ll be talking to anyone you’d like instead of looking for the person or waiting for him or her. If you need to call the person at that moment, it will be possible because it is always on and available. It would be impossible to live without cell phones because they really make everything much easier. For instance, if you need something straight ahead you just use it, or if you’re lost, if you need to find you’re friends, just to talk. You can take it anywhere because it barely has the size of a wallet. They work everywhere, unless there’s no signal, which isn’t common since everyday they invent a new satellite of source of signal. For instance, once, I went to the movies with some friends and we noticed that a friend was missing. Instead of looking around, we just called her and she told us that she was still on her way. We’d have wasted hours looking for her in that gigantic place. Also, one day I was at school and I had homework due the next class and I accidentally left it home, so I just called my driver and he brought it to me almost instantaneously. It was 5:30 when I remembered that I had to pick up a dress at the laundry that would be closed at 6:00, and I was still at school. I couldn’t make it until 6:10, so I called them and asked if they could hold on for 10 minutes. If I hadn’t been able to call, they’d have closed. Therefore, mobiles are more than necessary nowadays.

Mobiles are necessary nowadays in big cities because they save time, they are instantaneous, they make everything easier. If you’re in one side of the city, neighborhood, or even a place like a mall, restaurant, you’re not going to call the person screaming, or wait until you go home to call him/her, you just pick up your cell phone, which will be in your pocket or purse since it fits anywhere, dial the person’s phone and in a matter of seconds you’ll be talking to anyone you’d like instead of looking for the person or waiting. If you need to call the person at that instant it will be possible because it is always on and available. It would be impossible to live without cell phones because they really make everything much easier like if you need something straight ahead you just use it, or if you’re lost, if you need to find you’re friends, just to talk, you can take it anywhere because it barely has the size of a wallet, they work everywhere unless there’s no signal, which isn’t common since everyday they invent a new satellite of source of signal. Once I went to the movies with some friends and we noticed that I friend was missing, instead of looking around, we just called her and she told us that she was still on her way, we’d have missed hour looking for her in that ginormous place. One day I was at school and I had homework due next class and I accidentally left it home, so I just called my driver and he brought it to me almost instantaneously. It was 5:30 when I remembered that I had to pick up a dress at the laundry that would be closed at 6:00, and I was still at school. I couldn’t make it until 6:10, so I called them and asked if they could hold for 10 minutes and they could if I hadn’t called they’d have closed. Therefore, I think mobiles are more than necessary nowadays.

André — Portfolio 2B

Students have to study a subject that they like in college, and not something that they would like to work with in the future. One of the biggest fear that students who have just left high school face is the choice of what they are going to pursue at the university. They are too young to make such an important choice. The secret to success is to choose what the student thinks will be important, and what he likes, and not the profession he wants to pursue, because a lot of people follow a career in one area and end up working in a total diferent area. My father, for example, studied nuclear engineering because he thought that it would be important and not because he wanted to be an engenieer. Today, however, he works as a manager of a multinational company. Therefore,  the best way to get over such situation is to relax and not stress over a carrer choice. In other words, people should just choose a career based on whatever they really like.

André,

This rewrite is much better than the original. Although your content is a little on the simple side and could be expanded further, it can stand as a solid paragraph (3.5/5). The structure of the paper, however, needed some improvement. As you can see in the modifications that I have made, I have included some connectors to help the reader following your thoughts. Words like “however”, “on the other hand”, etc help signal where you are going with your thoughts (3.5/5). The grammar is a bit simple as well. Your sentences tend to follow the format of SUBJECT + VERB + COMPLEMENT. You would need to use more complex, longer sentences to make your language sophisticated (3.5/5). And the same comments apply to your vocabulary. Throughout the text, your vocabulary use tend to be a bit too simplistic. YOu would need to use some of the vocabulary words from your previous courses, like Dimensions in Reading for instance, to make your paper sound a bit more advanced (3.5/5). No problems with mechanics (5/5)

Total Points = 19/25

Students have to study a subject that they like in college, not something that they would like to work with in the future. One of the biggest fear that students who have just left high school face is  the choice of what they are going to pursue at the university. They are too young to make such an important choice. The secret to success is to choose what the student think will be important and and what he likes, not the profession he want to be, because a lot of people persued a career in one area and end up working in a total diferent area. Like my father, for example. He studied nuclear  engineering because he thought that it would be important, not because he wanted to be an engenieer, and today, he works as a manager of a multinational company. Therefore,  the best way to get over such situation is to relax and not stress over a carrer choice.People should just choose whatever they really like.

Students have to study a subject that they like in college, not something that they would like to work with in the future. (Why is that?) One of the biggest fear that students who have just left high school face is the choice of what they are going to pursue at the university. They are too young (to do what?) and choosing a career is such an important one that they are not prepared to deal with it. (What can be done about it?) It´s a very dificult choice and no one with 18 years old is prepared to choose what he will do for the rest of his life. (This whole sentence is at the same level as the previous one and does not add anything new to your text. So, it should be deleted.) The secret to success is to choose what you (What I think will be important? What do I, Rick, have to do with it?) think will be important and what you (Me? again?) like, not the profession you (ME ME ME?) want, because a lot of people study something and end up working with something complete diferent (Andre, your vocabulary is too basic here. Avoid the use of words like THING. Maybe a sentence like “because many professionals who pursue a career in one area in the university end up working in a total different area which most of the time is unrelated to the area they majored in.) Like my father, for example. He studied nuclear  engineering because he thought that it would be important, not because he wanted to be an engineer, and today, he works as a manager of a multinational company. Therefore,  the best way to get over such situation is to relax and not stress over a career choice. People should just choose whatever they really like.

Andre,

Although this is your first draft on this paper, it is much closer to the American rhetorical style than the rest of your previous papers. Obviously, you are still making the same mistakes that your classmates were making in the beginning of the course, but at least you are progressing at a fast pace. Your content is good (3.5/5), your structure quite solid (4.5/5), your grammar simple, but accurate (3.5/5), your vocabulary quite basic (2/5) and your mechanics with some spelling and punctuation mistakes (4/5). Your total grade for this portofolio piece is 17.5/25.

Students have to study in college somethibg that they like, not something that they would like to work with in the future. One of the biggest fear that students who just left school face it´s the choice of what they are going to do in the unversity. They are too young and it´s such a important choice that they are not prepared to deal with it. It´s a very dificult choice and no one with 18 years old is prepared to choose what he will do for the rest of his life. But the secret is to choose what you think will be important and what you like, not the profession you want, because a lot of people study something and end up working with something complete diferent. Like my father, for example. He studied nuclear  engenieer because he thuoght that it would be important, not because he wanted to be a engenier, and today he works as a manager of a multinational company. So the best way to get over this situation is to relax and dont put a lot of weight in this choice, just choose what you really like.