Mah — Portofolio # 2

My mother needs to find a steady boyfriend so she can leave me alone. Considering that my parents have been divorced for 15 years and I’m the only child, my mother is a really needy person, especially in the last few years, when I started going out with my friends more often. Because she doesn’t have either my father nor anyone to be by her side flat-out, she expects me to be with her and only with her whenever I’m not at school. For instance, last Saturday, I was invited to go to the movies with a guy that it’s interested in me and that I may be fond of too. When he asked me out, he was visibly nervous, stuttering a lot, and the words were coming out of his mouth slowly, giving the impression that he was trying to choose the right words carefully, and pronouncing them almost in a whisper, while he gazed away at the floor so as to avoid looking directly at my eyes. He didn’t want me to notice his embarrassement. He was also holding a flower for me, the same one that, on the previous day, he confided to me that my receiving of that kind of flower meant that he wanted me to be in love him.  I was really surprised with his attitude, and I just couldn’t say no, for he left me speechless. But later on, when I told my mother about it, she just freaked out. She started to contest the way I was raised, if the education she had given me during my whole life wasn’t enough, where she had gotten wrong and when I would be able to stop bringing her problems like that one. And all this scene wasn’t because of the fact that I was going to the movies with a boy or anything, but because I would leave her alone. Even though I don’t go out very often, she simply panics whenever I tell her I have plans for the weekend. I can barely enjoy my free time with my friends when she acts like that. That’s why she needs a guy to keep her company and not let her feel abandoned every single time I go out for a couple of hours.

 Marina,

Although this is a bit long for a paragraph size, it still stands as a very solid example of the way American put their thoughts down on paper. The content is detailed (5/5), the structure smooth (5/5), the vocabulary OK — it could be a bit more sophisticated (4/5) and the mechanics not too full of mistakes (5/5). Only the grammar, especially verb tenses, is an area you could pay a bit more attention to (4/5).

Total grade = 23/25.

My mother needs to find a steady boyfriend so she can leave me alone. Considering that my parents have been divorced for 15 years and I’m the only child, my mother is a really needy person, especially in the last few years, when I started going out with my friends more often. Because she doesn’t have either my father nor anyone to be by her side flat-out, she expects me to be with her and only with her whenever I’m not at school. For instance, last Saturday, I was invited to go to the movies with a guy that it’s interested in me and that I may be fond of too. When he asked me out, he was visible nervous, stuttering a lot, and the words were coming out of his mouth slowly, giving the impression that he was trying to choose the right words carefully, and pronouncing them almost in a whisper, while he gazed away at the floor  so as to avoid looking directly at my eyes. He didn’t want me to notice his embarrassement. He was also holding a flower for me, the same one that, on the previously day, he confided to me that my receiving of that kind of flower meant that he wanted me to love him.  I was really surprised with his attitude, and I just couldn’t say no, for he left me speachless. But later on, when I told my mother about it, she just freaked out. She started to contest the way I was raised, if the education she’s gave me during my whole life wasn’t enough, where did she get wrong and when would I be able to stop bringing her problems like that one. And all this scene wasn’t because of the fact that I was going to the movies with a boy or anything, but because I would leave her alone. Even though I don’t go out very often, she simply panicks whenever I tell her I have plans for the weekend. I can’t barely enjoy my free time with my friends when she acts like that. That’s why she needs a guy to keep her company and don’t let her with feeling of abandoment every single time that I go out for a couple of hours.

Amay — Portofolio #1

Why do parents teach us not to lie, although they lie to us when it comes to Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? I guess they don’t realize that they are teaching us not to lie by lying. Parents are always trying to make their children happy. That’s why they tell us stories about the Easter Bunny and persuade their kids to have good behavior so that Santa will bring them presents. But what they don’t know is that the child will get very disappointed and sad when he or she realizes that the whole Santa story was only a fake one, totally fabricated to make them behave well. Luckily, my brother and I haven’t had to deal with this stories. When I was younger, my parents used to buy lots of chocolate eggs for my brother and me, and hide them in our apartament. To help us find them, they put many bunny footprints all over the place. My brother and I felt like we were in heaven, even though we already knew that there was no Easter Bunny. As we grew up, instead of stopping hiding eggs and putting foot prints on the floor, my parents started to give us real presents, not only chocolate eggs, and still kept hidding them from us so we could look for them in our apartament. In other words, changing the presents from eggs to real things (the word THING is too vague. Try to determine what these THINGS were.) was a good idea (Again, the use of the verb TO BE or any other linking verb is quite weak in English, and so are vague adjectives like GOOD, BAD, NICE. You should try something like “switching our gifts from chocolate eggs to bicycles and cell phones was a wise idea because we didn’t have to go through the disappointment and sadness that other kids had to. It must be really frustating for the little kids to find out that the stories they most believed in was a complete lie. Some kids may even get traumatized for many years. That’s why parents shouldn’t teach their children not to lie by lying to them.

 Amay,

This paragraph is quite solid as it follows the ideas we have been discussing in class. The content is quite rich and detailed as you tell the readers the short incidents in your life (Content = 5 /5); The structure of your essay is also very American like (Structure = 5 /5). Also, your grammar is also quite varied and advanced (Grammar = 5 /5) and you did not make too many errors in spelling and puctuation, which gives you a high score in mechanics as well (Mechanics = 5 /5). Now, the area you would need to do some serious work on is vocabulary sophistication. It is not that you have been using the wrong words. It is just that they are way too simple for the level of English of this course. Your text needs to sound a bit more advanced with some of the fancy vocabulary words from our previous course, for instance. (Vocabulary = 3 /5)

Final Grade = 23 /25

Why do parents teach us not to lie, although they lie to us when it comes to Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? I guess they don’t realise that they are teaching us not to lie by lying. Parents are always trying to make their children happy. That’s why they tell histories about the Easter Bunny and persuade their kids to have good behavior so that Santa will bring them presents. But what they don’t know is that the child will get very disappointed and sad when he or she realizes that the hole Santa story was only a fake one, fabricated to make them behave well. Luckily, my brother and I haven’t had to deal with this stories. When I was younger, my parents used to buy lots of chocolate eggs for my brother and me, and hide them in our apartament. To help us find them, they put many bunny foot prints all over the place. My brother and I felt like we were in heaven, even though we already knew that there was no Easter Bunny. As we grew up, instead of stopping hiding eggs and putting foot prints on the floor, my parents started to give us real presents, not only chocolate eggs, and still kept hidding them from us so we could look for them in our apartament. I really think that changing the presents from eggs to real things was a good idea because we didn’t have to go through the disappointment and sadness that other kids had to. It must be really frustating for the little kids to find out that the histories they most believed in was a complete lie. Some kids may even be traumatized for many years. That’s why parents shouldn’t teach their children not to lie by lying to them.

Vanessa — Portofolio #1

Parents should not  make children believe that Santa Claus exists. Most parents lie to their children about Santa Claus, telling them that this character is real. That is a very bad idea (your language sounds a bit too basic here. You should always avoid the use of the verb TO BE and vague adjectives like GOOD, BAD, NICE because they do not add any concrete information to your readers. You can say something like, “such practice can turn out to be dangerous …”) because when the children get old enough and discover that Santa does not exist, they feel frustrated. When children find out that Santa does not exist, the kid starts to be really disappointed, sad and betrayed. It is very bad (again, your language needs to be a bit more sophisticated. What about “Sustaining a lie deteriorates the image that the kid will have of …) for the image that the kid will have of his parents because parents educate their children telling them not to lie, to have a good behavior over the year to get a present from Santa on Christmas. Most children remember the day that they discovered that Santa was a fake, and on this day, most of them realize that their parents are not perfect because they lie to people, even to their own children. Gustavo Elias Khouri, for instance,  was about 9 years old when he found out that Santa was not real.  It was almost midnight on Christmas Eve when his mother told him to sleep because when he woke up on the next day, he would unwrap the present that Santa would leave for him under the Christmas tree. Gustavo went to bed, but he could not sleep. He was very anxious, trying to guess which present Santa would leave him. Then, he decided to go downstairs to talk to his mother to tell her that he could not go to sleep. It was at that moment that he saw his mother putting away a huge package under the tree that had his name on it. Gustavo realized what was happening very quickly. At first, he felt betrayed, and next, he started crying and he could not help himself. It was on that day that Gustavo found out  that his parents are a human beings, that they make mistakes, and that they had been lying to him for a long time. Accepting the truth about Santa was not easy for Gustavo. Nowadays, Gustavo considers it normal to lie to other people because even his parents did not tell the truth to him when he was young. Trying to make their children happier, parents lie to their children and they end up hurting their children feelings. Because of that, parents should tell their kids the truth from the beginning. If that happens, the kids will not suffer or be disappointed in their parents in the long run.

 Vanessa,

Although your paragraph is a bit longer than usual, your thoughts are explained in a very logical way (Structure = 5 /5 ). Your ideas flow from one sentence to another, making your content solid (Content = 5 /5).

The two areas you would need to work a bit more on are grammar and vocabulary sophistication. Although your text is not entirely basic, there are sections of it where you could implement more complext grammatical structures (try to avoid the use of words like AND and  BUT as well as linking verbs like the verb TO BE) and also sophisticated words from previous courses such as Dimensions in Reading. (Grammar = 4.5 /5 and Vocabulary 4.5 /5).

Your mechanics could also use some finetuning. You have made some mistakes in spelling and puctuation along your text. If you compare the changes that I have made to your original text, you will see that you know how to spell the words but you probably just did not get to check your text before publishing it. (Mechanics = 4 /5)

Total points = 23 /25

Parents should not  make children believe that Santa Clause exists. Most parents lie to their children about Santa Claus, telling them that this character is real. That is a very bad idea because when the children got old enough and discouver that Santa does not exist they felt frustaded. . When children find out  that Santa does not exist, the kid start to be really disappointed, sad and betrayed.It is very bad for the image that the kid will have of his parents because parents educate their children telling them not to lie, to have a good behavior over the year to receive a present on Christmas. Most children remenber the day that they discovered that Santa was a fake and it is on this day that  most of them realize that their parents are not perfect because they lie to people, even to their own children.Gustavo Elias Khouri, for instance,  was about 9 years old when he found out that Santa was not real.  It was almost midnight on a Christmas eve and his mother told him to sleep because the next day when he woke up, he would unwrap the present that Santa had left to him under the Christams tree. Gustavo went to bed, but he could not sleep. He was very anxious, trying to guees what present Santa would leave him. Then he decided to go downstairs to talk to his mother, to tell her that he could not go to sleep. It was at that moment that he saw his mother putting  a very huge package under the tree that had his name on it. Gustavo realized what was happening very quickly. At first, he felt betrayed, and next, he started crying and he could not help himself. It was on that day that Gustavo found out  that his parents are a human beings, that they make mistakes, and that they have been lying to him for a long time.Accepting the thruth about Santa was not easy for Gustavo.Nowadays, Gustavo consider normal to lie to other people because even his parents did no told the thruth to him when he was young.Trying to make their children happier, parents lie to their children and they end up hurting their children feelings. Because of that parents should tell the thruth from the beginig, if that happen the kids will not suffer or be disappointed with their parents.

André – Portfolio #1

 Water Polo is not very popular in Brazil because the media and the clubs don’t invest in the sport. Although Water Polo is a very obscure and unknown sport in Brazil, it is the number one sport in countries like Hungary, Croatia and Russia. In these countries, the clubs are much richer and the sponsors invest a lot of money in the teams and athletes. (You would need to give a more concrete example here with real numbers to illustrate your idea.) That’s why a lot of Brazilian players go to Europe or to the U.S.A, searching for a better salary. Pinheiros, for example, is one of the best teams in Brazil and it only pays a minimum wage to their players, forcing the players to have two jobs. In Barcelona, however, the athletes earns almost as much as a soccer player, so they can lead a decent life just playing Water Polo. Therefore, if the sponsors invest more money in the Brazilian Water Polo and the media dilvulges more about the sport, Water Polo would be a popular sport here.

 André,

Although this is your first piece of writing, the structure you have used is quite American. Your major problem is that I had never been able to give you any sort of feedback as far as language goes due to your many absences. Here are your grades divided into the several categories.

Content = 4 /5 Your paper had enough details to be considered good, although you could have gotten into more specific numbers and details about clubs and players.

Structure = 5 /5 No comments. It was excellent.

Vocabulary = 3 /5. Your vocabulary was very simple. Even though you did not make many mistakes as far as word usage goes, the language you have chosen should be a little more sophisticated. You should have used some of the many words we dealt with in Dimensions in Reading or in your previous courses here.

Grammar = 4 /5. My comments are very similar to the vocabulary section. Although you did not make too many grammar errors, your text was full of very simple grammatical structures such as the use of connectors like AND and BUT. You need to make your language more sophisticated by using more systatically challenging phrases like sentences that start with BECAUSE, ALTHOUGH, and also verbs in the ING.

Mechanics = 4 /5. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to check your spelling and puctuation before you post your writings

Total grade = 20 / 25

Water Polo is not very popular in Brazil, because the media and the clubs don’t invest in the sport. Water Polo is a very unfamous and unknow sport in Brazil, although it’s the number 1 sport in countries like Hungary, Croatia and Russia. In these countries the clubs are much more richier and the sponsors put a lot of money in the teams and athletes. That’s why a lot of brazilian players go to Europe or U.S.A searching for a better salary. Pinheiros, for example, is one of the best teams in Brazil and pays a minimun salary for his players, so the playes need to have 2 jobs. But in Europe, in Barcelona for example, they receive almost what a soccer player receives, so they can have an excellent life just palying Water Polo. So, if the sponsors invest more money in the brazilian Water Polo and the media disclose more the sport, Water Polo would be a popular sport here.

Eliana — Portofolio # 1

When someone takes his or her religion seriously, it can be a great help to his or her personal life. Gathering in any kind of a church certainly will lead someone to be around a lot of people, and knowing that these people believe in the same God as he or she does can bring a sense of belonging. Feeling that he or she is not alone and that there are people that care for him or her is very important for his or her life. For instance, last week when I got a virus and had to stay at home feeling sick, my friend Tânia from the Morumbi Baptist church we go to called me on Tuesday and came to my home as soon as she could and brought me chicken soup and chocolate as well as a DVD for us to watch together. I had a real good time even feeling sick, and more than that, I felt loved. Therefore, having people who are committed to their beliefs turns out to be an important support system for this individual’s personal life. 

Eliana,

The content of your paper is solid enough to pass. If you have the time to take a look at Marina’s paragraphs, you will notice that her paragraphs are much longer, and richer in content. She is telling us a story to back up her ideas, and that is what Americans expect from a paragraph. Maybe you could transform the middle portions of your paragraphs into short stories, especially for the midterm exam. (You don’t need to rewrite this paper.)  Content=3/5

Your structure is quite close to what we expect in the writing, so your grade is 5/5. Your grammar and vocabulary could be a bit more sophisticated since this is not a timed assignment. What I suggest is for you to avoid simple sentence structures and common vocabulary words. Try to consult your previous folders (Conversation 1 and Dimensions in Reading) and see if you could use some of those fancy words naturally into your paper. Grammar = 3.5/5 Vocabulary = 3.5/5. Your mechanics are quite solid, getting a score of 5/5.

Total grade = 20/25

When someone takes his or her  religion seriously, it can be a great help to his or her personal life aspect. Garhering in any kind of church certainly will lead someone to be with a lot of people and knowing that these people believe in the same God as she or he does can bring a sense of belonging. Feeling that she or he is not alone and that there are people that care about she or he it’s very important for her or his life. For instance, last week when I got a virus and had to stay at home feeling sick, my friend Tânia from the Morumbi baptist church,, where we attend called me on tuesday and came to my home as soon as she could and brought me a chicken soup and chocolate as well as a DVD for us to watch together. I had a real good time even feeling sick, and more than that, I felt loved. So, by having people who is committed to their beliefs as she or he is, it turns out to be an important  support to his or her personal life. 

Eliana,

I have come across this draft of yours sitting there to be publish for this couple of weeks, and I was just wondering whether or not you have ever meant to send it to me for comments, so I am sending you my comments anyway.

Rick 

When someone takes his or her religion seriously, it can be a great help to his or her personal life aspect. Gathering in any kind of church certainly will lead someone to be with a lot of people, and knowing that these people believe in the same thing (avoid the use of the word THING. It is too vague and does not add anything to your writing) as you do can bring a sense of belonging. Feeling that you are not alone and that there are people that care about you is very important for our lives (Eliana, in American writing, you should not include the second person YOU in your writing because the reader feels you are invading the privacy that the reader has of remaining distant from the writing piece. You should always use first or third person). For instance, last week when I got a virus, I was feeling very bad (avoid weak vocabulary words like the verb to be and adjectives like good and bad) and as soon as my friend Tânia from the Morumbi Baptist church where we attend called me on Tuesday, she came at my home and

Mah – thesis 2

Marina,

I have made some modifications to the thesis statements you have come up with.

Rick 

Parents should not make children believe in stork stories no matter how young they are because it is psychologically frustrating for the child when he/she figures out it’s all a lie, it is a totally useless act to tell children fake stories if it will only make them feel bad about them afterwards, and it is severely damaging for the image that the kids will have of his/her parents in the future.

Gay people should be allowed to get married because they should be able to build a family just as anyone else, they should be taken seriously when talking about their feelings, and they should be happy with the person they love.

Vanessa — Thesis #4

Being born the older daughter in my family has made me a more responsible, independent, and overprotected person.

Vanessa,

Unfortunately, this thesis will not work because of your third argument. All the three arguments will have to be either positive or negative in meaning. Being responsible and independent are positive, but being overprotected is not. You will either have to change the first two to negative or the third one to positive.

Rick

Lari — Thesis #2

Censorship in the media hurts one of the Brazilian Constitution’s principles because it is against the freedom of speech any human being is entitled to, it is against the right of living a life free of torture, and it is against the right of having access to all the new information available to all of us nowadays.

One of the greatest principles of our Constitution is the one that guarantees the freedom of expression of any Brazilian citizen.

Lucía — Thesis #3

Being born the oldest child has made me demanding, spoiled and irresponsible person.

Unfortunately, you would have to make modifications on this thesis statement because your third idea is a positive one. Being demanding is negative, being spoiled is negative, so your third one needs to be negative too so that your thesis is CONSISTENT.

Vanessa — Thesis #3

Parents should allow their children not to go to college if they don’t want to because children should have the right to choose what is best for them, children should not be influence by their parents, and children can work in other areas if he or she decides not to go to college.

This thesis will work