Cláudia — Thesis #2

Young adults should leave their parents house as soon as they finish college, because living alone will teach them how to deal with money, how to take care of domestic activities, and how to face life alone . 

This thesis is very solid and it can lead to a very succesful paper

Young adults should leave the parents house as soon as they finish college, because living alone will teach them how to deal with money, will teach them how to take care of domestic activities and how to face life alone . 

Eliana — Thesis #2

Working at home is more productive for a woman because she doesn’t have to worry about time, doesn’t have to face traffic jams, and doesn’t have to deal with annoying people.

Eliana,

This thesis is quite solid and can lead to a very successful paper. If you want you can write the body paragraphs for this one for your portofolio.

 Rick

Working at home is more productive for a woman because she doesn’t have to worry about time, doesn’t have to face traffic jam, and doesn’t have to deal with annoying people.

Fabíola — Thesis #2

Taking part in regular physical activities helps an individual reduce the risk of developing heart disease, certain forms of cancer and, not forgetting the important role that physical activity plays in the mental well-being.

Fabiola,

Although the ideas on this thesis have the potential to grow into a very solid paper, they do not follow the rules we talked about in class. Your two first topics deal with consequences to the body, to diseases, but the third one refers to mental health. I believe this is a great thesis for us to be working together in class as a review of the material from last class. So, instead of helping you on line, I will ask you to bring this thesis in written form to class and maybe as a group, we can come up with a solution to it. Also, it will serve as a great way for me to teach you how to write a catcher and the background information.

Rick

Taking part in regular physical activity helps an individual to reduce the risk of developing heart disease, certain forms of cancer and, not forgetting the important role that physical activity plays in the mental well-being.

Fabiola — Thesis #1

Working in a company which offers me support to study languages has provided me with a solid background, self-confidence, and also financial stability.

(Fabiola, this thesis will work.)

Fabiola,

Mentioning languages AND graduate studies in your thesis, you would have to write about languages AND graduate studies in ALL of your body paragraphs just because you included the two ideas in your thesis. Also, it is always better for you to try to summarize your thoughts in two or three words in your thesis for your reader to be able to see clearly what the three main points in your paper will be about.   

 Rewrite

Working in a company which offers financial incentives for its employees professional improvement has provided me with a solid background, self-confidence, and has also motivated me to perform my job to the best of my ability.

Fabiola,

Again, your third topic is not parallel to your first two. solid backgroud is a string of an adjective and a noun, self-confidence too, but has also … is a verb and an adverb. They should all be the same pattern.

Rick

Working in a company which offers me support to study languages has provided me with a solid background, self-confidence, and also well-being.

Cláudia — Thesis #1

Smoking should be banned in public places because it is not everybody that feels confortable having someone smoking by their side since (1) many people suffer from allergies, (2) smoking becomes a negative example for children, and (3) the ashes from cigarettes can burn other people’s clothes and skin. 

Eliana — Thesis #1

Being a single teenage mom is a difficult challenge because a woman has to raise her child alone, to face social prejudice, and to give up on some of her dreams.

Eliana,

This thesis will work Just remember that you should not write your thesis in second person. You had written YOU several times, and in English, the readers should have the choice of remaining distant from the writing piece.

Larissa — Portofolio 2

Censorship in the media hurts one of the Brazilian Constitution’s principles because it is against the freedom of speech of any human being. One of the greatest principles of our Constitution is the one that guarantees the freedom of expression of any Brazilian citizen. Indeed, by censoring the media the government is hurting this essential principle due to the fact that what people think, believe, say or do cannot be prohibited or even punished as long as this action does not have a negative effect over other people. During the dictatorship in Brazil, in 1968, many artists had the content of their songs censored by the special police department of the government due to the fact that they presented ideas that displeased the ideals of the dictatorship form of government. For instance, the song “It’s forbidden to forbid”, in English, by Caetano Veloso was censored because it showed the personal political views and ideas of the author about the Brazilian political situation at that time and critized the dictatorship. In this song, there is a verse that says “Drop the shelves, the closets, the statues, the glasses, the books. I say yes. I say no to no. I say it’s forbidden to forbid”, by singing that, Veloso was telling people not to accept censorship but to fight against it, to resist it. Moreover, he said that he will no longer accept the word “forbidden”, which means that he will not surrender to the dictatorship. Due to the its revolucionary content, this song was censored by the special police department and the song could not be heard by his fans. As a consequence of that and other cases of censorship against songs that critized the government, a lot of artists, including Veloso, started to compose songs in which the content was not so explicit but very subtle: in other words, the criticism was presented in a subtle way, hidden in the lines of the verses. As it can be seen, freedom of speech was limited and the right of the author Veloso, in this case, was denied and with it, the principle of freedom of expression was hurt due to the fact that he could not behave as he liked nor express his thoughts. Therefore, censoring the media is a way of hurting a right garanteed in the democratic Brazilian Constitution: freedom to think, behave, believe, talk and say whatever a citizen wants as long as it does not have a negative effect on other people.

Larissa,

Your paper again is a little the on the long side, because you decided to write about a broad topic for the scope of only a paragraph. The result, however, was quite successful and you deserve high grades for every component of the grade. Content = 5/5; Structure = 5/5; Vocabulary = 5/5; Grammar = 5/5; and Mechanics = 4/5 (there were some spelling and punctuation mistakes along your text.) Total grade = 24/25.

Censorship in the media hurts one of the Brazilian Constitution’s principles because it is against the freedom of speech of any human being. One of the greatest principles of our Constitution is the one that guarantees the freedom of expression of any Brazilian citizen. Indeed, by censoring the media the government is hurting this essential principle due to the fact that what people think, believe, say or do cannot be prohibited or even punished as long as this action does not have a negative effect over other people. During the dictatorship in Brazil, in 1968, many artists had the content of their songs censored by the special police department of the government due to the fact that they presented ideas that displeased the ideals of the dictatorship government. For instance, the song “It’s forbidden to forbid”, in English, by Caetano Veloso was censored because it showed the personal political views and ideas of the author about the Brazilian political situation at that time and critized the dictatorship. In this song, there is a verse that says “Drop the shelves, the closets, the statues, the glasses, the books. I say yes. I say no to no. I say it’s forbidden to forbid”, by singing that Veloso was telling people to not accept the sensorship but to fight against it, to resist it. Making an additional point, he said that he will no longer accept the word “forbidden”, which means that he will not surrender to the dictatorship. Due to the its revolucionary content, this song was censored by the special police department and the song could not be heard by his fans. As a consequence of that and other cases of sensorship against songs that critized the government, a lot of artists, including Veloso, started to create songs in which the content were not so explicit but very subtle: in other words, the critic was presented in a sharp way, hidden in the lines of the verses. As can be seen, freedom of speech was limited and the right of the author Veloso, in this case, was denied and with it, the priciple of freedom expression was hurt due to the fact that he could not behave as he liked nor express his thoughts. Therefore, censoring the media is a way of hurting a right garanteed in the democratic Brazilian Constitution: freedom to think, behave, believe, talk and say whatever a citizen wants as long as it does not have a negative effect to other people.

Amay — Portofolio #2

Sex education should be mandatory in public and private schools in order to prevent the boost of STDs. Everyone knows (EVERYONE? Be careful not to overgeneralize your ideas. Try just “people know that …” or ” most poeple know that …”) that dealing with STDs is a very polemic topic (Be careful not to remain in the obvious level. Don’t tell people that the sky is blue when they can clearly see that the sky is blue.) and it should be taken seriously by the goverment in order to decrease the number of infected people. This number (which number? remember that in English, providing REAL numbers and statistics from reliable sources will only strengthen your arguments) will keep growing unless the goverment does somenthing to revert this situation, and one way to reverse it is by including in both public and private schools class schedules at least two sex education classes per week to inform students of the importance of the use of condoms and pills to teens’ life and health. These classes should alert students of how STDs can become a big and dangerous problem with many negative effects. Also, another way to help increase the number of campaigns to stop this steady growth so that people can have more information before doing anything that they might regret later (Hummm, this sentence does not make much sense. Reread it and see if you can determine what you are trying to say.) The worst kind of STD(Aids), which is becoming more common in our society, will deteriorate the person’s immune system and may lead to death, and still there are some people who don’t know about it (Again, Amay, you are sort of remaining on a general level, stating what your readers probably already know. The purpose of writing should always be of offering a new way of looking at reality so that your views can enlighten and add something new to your readers. Stating the obvious simply demeans your readers and they end up resenting having to read something that they already know.) However, the worst cases are those people who know and act like it will never happen to them. Those are a few reasons why sex education should be mandatory in both public and private schools.

Amay,

Since I had to make too many comments throughout your paper, I believe it is not ready for a grade. I am giving you the option of rewriting this piece, or to start a brand new topic since the modifications you will have to make on this issue will lead you to a total different paper than this one anyway. Your homework this weekend is to submit another paragraph for me to grade (Portofolio # 2)

Rick

Sex education should be mandatory in public and private schools in order to prevent the boost of STDs. Everyone knows that dealing with STDs is a very polemic topic and it should be taken serious by the goverment in order to decrease the number of infected people. This number will keep growing unless the goverment do somenthing to convert this situation. One way to reverse it, is including in both, public and private schools class schedule, at least two classes per week to tell the students how important the use of condoms and pills are to a teens life and health. This classes should alert them how STDs can become a big and dangerous problem with many negative effects. Also, another way to help increasing the number of campains to stop this growth, so that people can have more informations before doing anything that they might regret later. The worst kind of STD(Aids), which is becoming more common in our society, will deteriorate the person’s immune system and may lead to death, and still there are some people who doesn’t know about it. However, the worst cases are those people who know and act like it will never happen to them. That’s a few reasons why sex education should be mandatory in both public and private schools.

André — Portfolio #2

Nowadays, people are much more concerned about beauty than they used to be (Why do you think that happens? What causes it?) People are trying to stay beautiful in every way in all ages (You need to provide a more specific statement that this overgeneralized idea here). Young or older people spend their time taking care of their looks. (Again, André, this idea is too vague, too obvious to be offered as a debateable argument to the general reader.) Consequently, the beauty industry has grown a lot in the past few years (by how much?), and so did medicine (medicine in which sense?). Doctors have figured out a lot of ways (ways of what and to do what?) and surgeries to help their patients with their problems (which problems?) and today, even more people are paying to be operated so that they feel more beautiful and secure (Careful not to state the obvious.) My sister for example, she is just 22 years old, and has already undergone a lot of medical procedures to have her skin cleaned, her hair shinier, her breasts bigger, and a lot of other stuff (Avoid the use of vague words like STUFF, THINGS). In the past, people didn´t use to have a lot of options with advanced technology and easy-to-perform operations. Although most treatments are expensive and only a few people have acess to them, the number of people interested in cosmetic surgeries is growing nowadays. (André, isn’t your paragraph about people being concerned about beauty? Remember that your concluding sentence should reflect your topic sentence.)

André,

Honestly, I am really concerned about the level of the work you have been producing in class. Your text sound a lot like the text the other students produce in the second or third week of classes. That has to do with the fact that you have been absent from a lot of classes and the number of hours that you actually received feedback from me is equivalent of about four hours of instruction.

Writing is all about building. You build knowledge as you write and make mistakes. In your revisions, you see how unclear and innappropriate your previous writing was and then start producing better quality material.

Unfortunately, it is way too late for you to catch up since we have got only three more days of instruction. In Dimensions in Reading, you were able to get by, missing virtually half of our classes because you were able to read the texts at home and study the words on your own. In this course, however, it is a different scenario. I haven’t been able to see your progress because you did not publish anything from the get to. I had to grade your first portofolio piece by reading it for the first time. How am I supposed to assess your progress? Maybe we should talk in more details next class — if you come to it

Rick

Nowadays, people are much more concern in beauty then they used to be. People are trying to stay beauty in every way in all ages. Young or even older people are spending their time in order to take care with their looks. Consequently, the beauty industry grew a lot in the past few years, so does medicine. Doctors figured out a lot of ways and surgeries to help their patients with their problems and today, even more people are paying to be operated in order to feel more beautiful and secure. My sister for example, she is just 22 years old and had done a lot of medical procedures to have her skin clenear, her hair shiny, her breasts bigger, and a lot of other stuff. Formerly, people didn´t use to have a lot of options with great technologie and easy operations. Although most of treatments are expensive and only a few people have acess to them, the nunber of people interested in cosmetic surgeries is growing nowadays.

Vanessa — Portofolio#2

Most students that are in the last year of school still do not know what to study at the university. All teenagers think that when they are choosing what to study at the university, they are making a choice on what they are going to do for the rest of their lives. Because of such belief, most of them are seriously in doubt to decide which course they want to pursue. Students are afraid to start a university course, hate it and quit the course, thinking about the time that was wasted. Silvia Helena is a geography teacher at Mobile. When she was 16 years old, she had no idea about what to take at the university. A year went by, and Silvia discovered her passion for geography by helping her friends to study for this subject and going to campus to analize the earth. At the same time, she did not want to do that (do that what?) because of the low salary involved in teaching.  Moreover, she did not know if this passion would dissapear after some years. For two months, she was trying to decide between taking a law course or a geography course. Afterwards, she decided to take geography only because her father had told her to do what she liked, and if she did not like the course, she could just quit, and after a while, start a new one. Silvia does not regret her choice and said that, day after day, she started to enjoy geography even more. It is normal to be in doubt about which course to take, but it is very important to search for courses to try to find more about them and choose the area without thinking of it as being for the rest of your life.

Vanessa,

You seem to have gotten a bit lost as you progressed in this writing. Your ideas did not seem to flow that naturally as your first piece. However, the results are not reproachable at all. The content is detailed (5/5), the structure a bit shaky (especially towards the end) but still very American life (4/5). The grammar (4/5) and the vocabulary (4 /5) could have been a bit more sophisticated, and the mechanics worked OK too (5/5).

 Total grade = 22 /25

Most of students that are in the last year of school still do not know what to study at the university.All the teenagers think that when they are choicing what to study at the university they are making a choice about what they are going to do for the rest of their lives.Because of that most of them are so in doubt to decide the course they want to do.Students are afraid to start doing a university course, rate it and quit the course, thinking about the time that was wasted.Silvia Helena is a geography teacher at Mobile and when she was 16 years old she had no idea what to do in the university.A year passed by and Silvia discovered her passion for geography by helping her friends to study this subject and going to campus to analize the solo.At the same time she did not want to do that because of the low salary in addition she did not know if this passion could dissapear after some years.For two months she was trying to decide between doing a law course or a geography course.Afterwards she decided to do geography only because her father told her to do what she likes and if she did not like the course she could just quit it so after some time start a new one.Silvia does not regret her choice and she said that day by day she started to enjoy even more her job.It is normal to be in doubt about what course to do but it is very important to search courses to try to find more about them and choose the course thinking of that this is for your hole life.