Amay — My Friends at Lourenço

Hanging out with my friends from Lourenço Castanho has made me less shallow. i’ve been studying there since I was 2 years old, and since the beginning, I have had the same friends. Thank to them I’m not shallow, like all of the other people from my school are. (Why not, and what are your friends’ roles in shaping your personality like that?) Unlike them (them who? Your friends or other people from your school?), i always wear any kind of clothes and go to really cheap bars, because i think that the only thing that matters is the friends you have, and not where you are. (Amay, I don’t get it. This last sentence is a bit vague from a reader’s point of view. How does the fact that you wear any kind of clothes makes you less shallow and how did your friends teach you that the only thing that matters is the friends that you have?)

Amay,

One of the most important features in American writing is cohesion. Your thoughts must connect to one another in terms of ideas. One idea must flow from another. Here, there is a great gap between the fact that you friends have made you less shallow — which is what you propose to discuss in your topic sentence — and the examples you have given. Maybe you should focus on another theme where, in your mind, the connection between your topic sentence and your supporting ideas are clearer to you

Rick

Hanging out with my friends from Lourenço Castnaho has made me less shallow.

i’ve been studying there since i was 2 years old and since the beggining i’ve been having the same friends. Thank to them, i’m not shallow, like all of the other people from my school are.

unlike them, i always wear any kind of clothes and go to really cheap bars, because i think that the only thing that matters is the friends you have, and not where you are.