Vanessa — Gay and Lesbian Adopting Children

Gays and lesbians should have the right to adopt children (Why? Your topic sentence should contain the reason why you believe that gays and lesbians should have the right to adopt children.) Not allowing gays to adopt children only shows the prejudice that the society has against them. (But, doesn’t it have to do with social morals and religious beliefs as well? How would you answer the criticizing coming from these two groups?) They are not different from other people, they have feelings and many of them want to have a family (Many reliogious people would say that they are going against God’s will and that a family can only be formed with the love between a man and a woman. What would you say to that?) For isntance, Fernanda de Oliveira and Mariana Castro are a couple of lesbians that live in Lapa, São Paulo. They have a solid relationship (What is your definition of solid relationship? To many religious people, solid relationship would mean something else), living together for ten years. For the last five years they have been thinking of building a family.They thought at first, of undergoing artificial insimination, but they have changed their mind because there are many children living on the streets in Brazil, so they decided to adopt. They visited São Carlos orfanate, but, because of Brazil law number 1136 (This law sounds like an invention. You should do some research and find out the real law here), they were not allowed to see or adopt the children (Not even to see the child?) The Brazilian Brazil Constitution only corroborates to the idea that  shows the discrimination that these people suffer, they are not different from other people, so they should be treated in the same way, so and they should be allowed to adopt children (For which reason? Here, you should put the same reason that you decide to put as your topic sentence.)

Gays and lesbians should have the right to adopt children.Not allowing gays to adopt children only shows the prejudice that the society has against them.They are not different from other people, they have feelings and many of them want to have a family.Fernanda de Oliveira and Mariana Castro are a couple of lesbians that live in São Paulo on Lapa.They have a solide relationship, living together for ten years.For the last five years they have been thinking of building a family.They thought at first, of doing artificial insimination but they changed their mind because there are many children living on the streets in Brazil, so they decided to adopt.They visited São Carlos orfanate but, because of Brazil law number 1136 they were not allowed to see or adopt the children.Brazil Constitution only shows the discrimination that these people suffer, they are not different from other people, so they should be treated in the same way, so they should be allowed to adopt.

Amay — My Friends at Lourenço

Hanging out with my friends from Lourenço Castanho has made me less shallow. i’ve been studying there since I was 2 years old, and since the beginning, I have had the same friends. Thank to them I’m not shallow, like all of the other people from my school are. (Why not, and what are your friends’ roles in shaping your personality like that?) Unlike them (them who? Your friends or other people from your school?), i always wear any kind of clothes and go to really cheap bars, because i think that the only thing that matters is the friends you have, and not where you are. (Amay, I don’t get it. This last sentence is a bit vague from a reader’s point of view. How does the fact that you wear any kind of clothes makes you less shallow and how did your friends teach you that the only thing that matters is the friends that you have?)

Amay,

One of the most important features in American writing is cohesion. Your thoughts must connect to one another in terms of ideas. One idea must flow from another. Here, there is a great gap between the fact that you friends have made you less shallow — which is what you propose to discuss in your topic sentence — and the examples you have given. Maybe you should focus on another theme where, in your mind, the connection between your topic sentence and your supporting ideas are clearer to you

Rick

Hanging out with my friends from Lourenço Castnaho has made me less shallow.

i’ve been studying there since i was 2 years old and since the beggining i’ve been having the same friends. Thank to them, i’m not shallow, like all of the other people from my school are.

unlike them, i always wear any kind of clothes and go to really cheap bars, because i think that the only thing that matters is the friends you have, and not where you are.