Cláudia – My Parents’ Divorce

After spending my childhood in a warm and wealthy family, my life changed a lot (in which sense? for better or for worse? changed financially?) in my adolescence with the divorce of my parents.  I can still remember when I was eight, playing hide and sick on my grandfather’s farm with my cousin. Also, I will never forget the strong smell of chocolate in the winter time when my grandmother from my father’s side cooked for me. Whenever I come across such a delicious smell, it immediately reminds me of my childhood in the “Sitio Bom Retino” (How are these three last sentences related to the divorce? In English, the writer is not supposed to break the line of thinking with background information. Although this background information is important to SHOW the reader the abrupt changes that had occurred in your life, it needs to be present WITHIN the context of your parents getting divorced and not chronologically as you did here.) But I barely knew that this stunning evironment would end due to the divorce of my relatives (Who in your family also got divorced? I am getting a little confused here. I thought it was your mom and dad).  By the age of ten, my parents started having arguments regarding my father’s absence frmo home.  My mother used to feel lonely and the discussions….t (???) want to give us much money because he thought that my mother would be very worried about that and actually he was right (right about what?).  Another problem that I can remember was that my father let all the doctors and appointments (whose appointments?)  for my mother to deal with that alone.  Parent’s appointments in school was my mother’s duty.  (Isn’t it because traditionally here in Brazil, the job of raising a child is the mother’s responsibility? Do you blame your dad for having acted that way?) Although lovely, he wasn’t a worried father.  (Here it sounds as if you are digressing from your topic sentence. Your paragraph is not about your dad. It is about how the divorce changed your experience in your teenage years)(Continuing).. One of the ways that my father used to show interest in the family was when going to shopping malls, which was wonderful, because spending the day buying clothes was everything a little girls wanted. The feeling of power, walking along the windows in the stores and trying most of the beautiful styles was so stunning for all of us that I can still remember the face of happiness of my father when knowing that he was satisfying the whole family. (Again, I think you are telling a story here more than actually defending the idea of how much your parents’ divorce changed you as a person.)

(I will continue later)…

After spending my childhood in a warm and wealth family, my life has changed a lot since my adolecence with the divorce of my parents.   I can still remember when I was eight playing hide and sick in my grandfather’s farm with my cousin. I may also never forget the strong smeel of chocolate in winter time when my grandmother from my father’s side cooked for me. Whenever I come across such a delicious smell imediately remindes me my childhood in the “Sitio Bom Retino”. But I barely knew that this stunning evironment would end up with regard to the divorce of my relatives.  By the age of ten my parents started having arguments regarding the abscence of my father at home.  My mother used to fell lonely and the discussions….t want to give us much money because he thought that my mother would be very worried about that and actually he was right.  Another problem that I can remember was that my father let all the doctors and appointments for my mother to deal with that alone.  Parent’s appointments in school was my mother’s duty.  Although lovely he wasn’t a worried father.  (Continuing).. One of the ways that my father used to show interest in the family was when going to shopping malls, which was wonderful, because spending the day buying clothes was everything a little girls wanted. The feeling of power, walking along the windows in the stores and trying most of the beautiful styles was so stunning for all of us that I can still remember the face of happiness of my father when knowing that he was satisfying the whole family.

(I will continue later)…

When I was about twelve, the financial problem was the most difficult to came across, and it was when I decided to study hard in order to have a well paid job.  Again, my point of view and what I’m becoming

Having an adolecence with divorced parents has brought up many changes in my life (What kind of changes? In English, your topic sentence is supposed to be specific from the very beginning. Americans do not really appreciate general comments because they do not usually add any new perspective about the topic in their lives).  I had many problems regarding the marriage of my relatives (If you decide to mention that you had problems, then you need to explore these problems further in your writing. In English, you either mention and explore your ideas throughly, or you don’t mention them at all). When I was about twelv years old my parents decided to break up, and some of the problems that they had split in me and my brothers (Again, you are mentioning “problems” in general. You need to be more specific here).  As far as I can remember from my childhood, my father was a very well paid Mercedes employee. Yet, he could buy me anything I wanted.  On the weekends we used to travel to the beach driving new branch Mercedes-Benz; however, with the divorce of my parents, my father didn’t want to give enough money to my mother.  Nevertheless, at that time my mother had to deal with short amount of money in my house, when by the age of thirteen I decided to joing a vocational high-school and try to get a job.  I started workind at DaimlerChrysler very young, but since them my life changed a lot.  I could raise money in order to study in a well-known University and I had the opportunity to travel abroad and study English in California. The arguments that my parents had and the decision they made have not only given me strenghth but also a strong urge to be a well-suceeded person. After living with cash difficulties in my adolecence I have learned that we can’t do anything without money. I believe that I became very ambitious and the problems that my parents made me came across in my adolecence made me strong to go out for struggle.  (This final portion of your paragraph is great because you were very specific, providing real examples of what happened to you. Americans love that Rick

   Having an adolecence with divorced parents has brought up many changes in my life.  I had many problems regarding the marriage of my relatives. When I was about twelv years old my parents decided to break up, and some of the problems that they had split in me and my brothers.  As far as I can remember from my childhood, my father was a very well paid Mercedes employee. Yet, he could buy me anything I wanted.  On the weekends we used to travel to the beach driving new branch Mercedes-Benz; however, with the divorce of my parents, my father didn’t want to give enough money to my mother.  Nevertheless, at that time my mother had to deal with short amount of money in my house, when by the age of thirteen I decided to joing a vocational high-school and try to get a job.  I started workind at DaimlerChrysler very young, but since them my life changed a lot.  I could raise money in order to study in a well-known University and I had the opportunity to travel abroad and study English in California. The arguments that my parents had and the decision they made have not only given me strenghth but also a strong urge to be a well-suceeded person. After living with cash difficulties in my adolecence I have learned that we can’t do anything without money. I believe that I became very ambitious and the problems that my parents made me came across in my adolecence made me strong to go out for struggle.  

Christiano — My Personality

Routine is a word that I hate. Since I was I child this word has been striking (striking as what?). Woke up everyday at the same time to go to the college, look to the same teachers everyday, homeworks, traffic to go to school (What about these three things? They sound to me as if there is a verb missing here). It was terrible. I remembered once, when my father kicked me out the bad (bed?) because I didn’t want to go to school and I was pretending that I was sick.  (Why do you think you had such a problem with routine? There are some people — like me — who would love to lead a life following a routine because that gives them a lot of security of knowing what to expect from life. There must have been a reason for you not to like routine. What is this reason?) Few years later, I realized that my problem was the routine and not study. I loved when I started to study at University (Why is that?). The schedule was flexible and we just have to attend classes that we had chosen. It was amazing. Things have become much more easier since that “discorery moment”. I started to look for a job that routine was not allowed and then I got a jopb at Financial Markets. If there si something that FM doesn’t has is routine. Everyday is different, things are changing minute by minute, if you are not foccused you can loose your job as fast as you think. (In English, you would have to offer real examples, like the one I gave you about my first greeting kiss. American love imagery. They love to see, hear, feel, what the writer felt at the moment. Here, you will need to describe a specific moment of your job where you are free from routine.) Some people call this madness, I call life.

Routine is a word that I hate. Since I was I child this word has been striking me as a nightmare.  I used to hate wake up everyday at the same time to go to the college, look to the same teachers everyday, do homeworks, traffic to go to school. It was terrible. I remembered once, when my father kicked me out the bed because I didn’t want to go to school and I was pretending that I was sick. Routine for me is like a prision, where you have to follow a lot of rules and you don’t have the right to do anything in your way. I don’t fell confortable with routines because I like freedom, I like to take risks, I like surprises and, In my opinion, routines freezing you a lot. Few years later, I realized that my problem was the routine and not study. I loved when I started to study at University because the schedule was flexible and we just have to attend classes that we had chosen. It was amazing. Things have become much more easier since that “discorery moment”. I started to look for a job that routine was not allowed and then I got a jopb at Financial Markets. If there si something that FM doesn’t has is routine. Everyday is different, things are changing minute by minute, if you are not foccused you can loose your job as fast as you think. There is a day that I’ll never forget. September 11, 2001. That terroristic attack was unpredictable and scary. People around the world were shocked. In my case, I was twice shocked. First because the situation, a lot of innocent people dying and then because my own job. The stock market suffered a lot that day, My company loose a lot of money in minutes because that attack and I almost loose my job. I remeber that I didn’t sleep well for two nights because I was so worried for that. Some people call this madness, I call life.

Grace – Advantages and Disadvantages of Living in Arujá

REWRITE

There are some disadvantages in living in small cities like Aruja. One of them is the few options of regular schools. When I moved to Aruja, my parents had to lookg for a new school for my brother and my sister and me. They found only 3 schools, but just one was a similar to schools in São Paulo in terms of areas of study, library with many new books, and a laboratory with all the equipaments for science classes. (Grace, here you need to select one school in Aruja in particular that met the requirements your dad was looking for and explain why he chose this school and not another. Your reader needs excrutiating, but relevant details on how good that particular school was so that the reader can have a clear picture of what school like is like in places like Arujá.) Usually, small cities don’t have many options of regular schools. Therefore, people who decide to live in cities like Aruja have to decide which school their children will study among few options. 

REWRITE

Living in small cities like Aruja there are some disavantages, one of them, is the few options of regular schools. When I moved to Aruja my parents had to looking for a new school for me and my brother and sister. They found only 3 schools, but just one  was almost similar to schools in São Paulo in terms of amount of disciplines (3 options on the second grade), library with many new books and laboratory with all the equipaments for science classes. Usually smal cities dont have many options os regular schools, the people  who decide  to live in cities like Aruja have to decide wich school their children will study chosin among few options.

Moving to Aruja shaped a lot my life (Shaped you in which sense? Remember that in English, you are supposed to have a theme, a topic sentence for your paragraph. And this idea seems to be a bit too general to be a topic sentence.), not only because is a small city, but the main reason  is that I moved to a closed condominum in small city. To live in small condominun has significants differences to live in regular city and these differences can change during the years (Grace, which differences are you referring to here? Again, maybe it would a wise idea for you to select ONE of these differences and write about only this unique difference here). In the begining, when I was a child, living there was the same “to have freedom” because I can play a lot in the swiming pool, sports areas, etc and I had many friends, differentely in the city, when I lived in SP, I used to stay in home playing with my brothers, only on the weekends I used to go to the park with my parents. In the teenager age, the things changed, I had many things to do, but the condominun started to be smaller… (Grace, here you are also trying to cover a large time span of your life. Although I am sure it is very interesting, you have material for a whole book on it: Grace’s Life. Maybe you are better off leaving this portion behind and trying to focus on more manageable, speficic moments of your life.) I had the necessity to know what happened outside and the relationships changed (Same thing here, Grace. In English, when you mention a thought, you are supposed to expand on it thouroughly, and not just mention it. The question I would have here as an American reader is HOW did these relationships change?), It were marked for the rest of my life (How did it mark your life?): some or few of my friends are still my friends, but others, because of their choices we arent friends anymore but we still live the same place, what is different, living in the big city, probably you (who? me?) wouldnt see many people again. Now, I am adult and I know what hapens outside, but my perspective of life (which perspectives)  and necessities changed (which necessities?), I returned to want to live in a small e closed place looking for peace and quality of life for me and for my family what is difficult to have in the cities. Where we live can influence our lives: the size of the city, the kind of house, the neiborhood, etc how I moved from SP, the biggest city in Brazil , to Aruja in a closed condominun I can notice the differences between the two places and how to live in closed condominun can affect my life (how exactly?), the enviroment is totally different (how different?) and changes few times (how did it change?), but my necessities and perspectives of life, throw the years, are differents.

Moving to Aruja shaped a lot my life, not only because is a small city, but the main reason  is that I moved to a closed condominum in small city. To live in small condominun has significants differences to live in regular city and these differences can change during the years. In the begining, when I was a child, living there was the same “to have freedom” because I can play a lot in the swiming pool, sports areas, etc and I had many friends, differentely in the city, when I lived in SP, I used to stay in home playing with my brothers, only on the weekends I used to go to the park with my parents. In the teenager age, the things changed, I had many things to do, but the condominun started to be smaller… I had the necessity to know what happened outside and the relationships changed, It were marked for the rest of my life: some or few of my friends are still my friends, but others, because of their choices we arent friends anymore but we still live the same place, what is different, living in the big city, probably you wouldnt see many people again. Now, I am adult and I know what hapens outside, but my perspective of life and necessities changed, I returned to want to live in a small e closed place looking for peace and quality of life for me and for my family what is difficult to have in the cities. Where we live can influence our lives: the size of the city, the kind of house, the neiborhood, etc how I moved from SP, the biggest city in Brazil , to Aruja in a closed condominun I can notice the differences between the two places and how to live in closed condominun can affect my life, the enviroment is totally different and changes few times, but my necessities and perspectives of life, throw the years, are differents.

Amay — Personal Letter

Dear Rick,

i honestly don’t enjoy writing as much as I should because I always have many things to write in my head and when I write it down, i make a little mess and the text gets very confuse. I need to improve my skills on how to organize my ideas. i dont feel i’m a good writer because of this problem of organization.i usually have to do all my writings in class, so i don’t have many of them to do outside of it.

in this course, i hope i can improve my writing by organizing my thoughts and using new and

Larissa — Introduction

My name is Larissa- as if it wasn’t obvious enough- but you are allowed to call me Lari. Actually, I’d rather enjoy that, you know!

Seriously, I was born  on August, 1988 in Sao Paulo and have  been living here ever since. I live with my parents and my cheerful sheepdog at this loving home. I also have two big brothers but they are already married, which makes them live by their own- thank God! haha I’m kidding. They are really great people, I  know, but only when they don’t snoop into my stuff. Otherwise, let me say that my parents really are the light of my life! I could never imagine how it would be if they were any different from what they are. That’s a fact.

What else? Oh, what about freetime?
I love books: whenever I get some free time I start to read something, from novels to biographies. Movies are another passion of mine. A good romantic silly film is always a nice goal for me, specially if it’s based on the old times, with knights, kingdons or pirates. I also love any story which has vampires envolved, like “Interview with the vampire”, based on the novel by Anne Rice. I also enjoy the classics like “Breakfast at Tifanny’s”, “Casablanca” or even “Zelig”. Currently, I have developed a certain regard for scary movies.
I can’t let out the shows that I really enjoy, like “two and a half man”, “Friends” – pretty classic, “Everwood” and “The new adventures of old Christine”. But currently, I’m afraid I’m addicted to “gossip girl” and “the Tudors”.
Well, of course, the best way of spending your free time: to go out with friends; to dance in a cool disco or even better in a great party; to date, be it with your boyfriend or the first date with this new interesting person or to travel. Talking about trips, there two kinds that really make me happy: beach and partying with friends or a historical one, in which I get the chance to deeply discover the local history of the place I’m visiting, specially going to museums – something I’m totally mad about!

One last thing, I believe I should talk a little about my academic life, right?! Well, I studied in colegio Santa Cruz from 7 to 18 years old and I think that a good part of who I am today and what I believe in are due to the people I’ve known there, the interesting and revealing classes I’ve watched and the great experiences I’ve had there – were them good or not.
Last year I did the vestibular exam and was accepted in two law schools: PUC and GV. It was hard to choose but I ended up going to PUC, and now, one year later, I’m pretty sure I made the right choice!

I guess that’s pretty much information about me. I think you can have an idea about the kind of person I am.

Vanessa — Being Born a Girl in my Family

I was born in a family descended from Libano.In arabian society, that is very male oriental, the girl can not do what the man do. (like what? Remember that in English, the writer is not supposed to simply mention their ideas; he or she has to explore and expand on them as well.)

I was overwhelmed when I was raised. (In which ways?) I was not allowed to do what my brother was doing. (What was your brother doing? You need to be more specific here in your ideas.) My parents are always very worried when I go out, calling me at least once. (But don’t parents call both boys and girls the same beacuse they are worried about us living in such a dangerous city like São Paulo?) Now that I am almost 18 my parents begun to worry that I do not know ho to take a bus. (Why so late? Did they use to protect you from it until then?) For example, my brother is 13 years old and my mother let him walk alone in the streets but my mother only let me go out and walk alone on the streets last year. (And why didn’t you say anything to her at the time? Why did you decide to speak out only now?) Also, my mother already allow my brother to go to the disco, (oh, I did not know he is younger than you are. Maybe you could provide this piece of information earlier in the paper.) my mother only let me when I was 14 years old.(just because you are a girl?)

So I try a lot to convince my parents to let me go out or to travel with my friends. (How did this change come about? Did anything in particular happen?) Well, I want to go to Porto Seguro and my father don´t like the idea (why not?) but I am trying to convince them to let me go (how are you doing that specifically?)

I was born in a family descended from Libano.In arabian society, that is very male oriental, the girl can not do what the man do.

I was overwhelmed when I was raised.I was not allowed to do what my brother was doing.My parents are always very worried when I go out, calling me at least once.Now that I am almost 18 my parents begun to worry that I do not know ho to take a bus.For example, my brother is 13 years old and my mother let him walk alone in the streets but my mother only let me go out and walk alone on the streets last year.Also, my mother already allow my brother to go to the disco, my mother only let me when I was 14 years old.

So I try a lot to convince my parents to let me go out or to travel with my friends.Well, I want to go to Porto Seguro and my father don´t like the idea but I am trying to convince them to let me go

Vanessa — Studying at Mobile

Studying at Mobile affected me in a lot of ways. (In which way?) I can say that studying at Mobile made me a more responsable person (in which way?), now I am sure about what I want for my life and I fight for that (and how did mobile help you achieve that?) .Maybe that is the reason that I and my mother are not so close any more. (Why not? What is exactly the relationship between Mobile and your mother?) She can not understand me and what I want for my life. (What exactly doesn’t she understand? And how do her values differ from what Mobile has taught you?) Maybe she want a perfect daugheter and for her I am not even close to be a “good” daugheter (What is the definition of a good daugher for your mother? Don’t you think that maybe she is not the one who has these high expectations from you , but it is YOU expect a lot from yourself? Sometimes we think that our parents want more from us, but it is not really true. We are the only who are setting high expectations for ourselves) I can also say that studying the history of art made me a person that love to read and to go to museum. (Here it seems that you are digressing from the topic. In English, a paragraph can only have ONE central idea, and this paragraph seems to be focusing on the relationship you have with your monther. Am I right?) For example, maybe because of the art classes I love to take pictures and to draw in my free time.Ballet also influeced me  a lot to become what I am today, I dare say that because of ballet I became a more calm person(this happens because of the kind of music that we listen when I dance ballet). (Maybe you should delete these last few sentences, and focus on what your paragraph is really about.)

Studying at Mobile affected me in a lot of ways.I can say that studying at Mobile made me a more responsable person, now I am sure about what I want for my life and I fight for that.Maybe that is the reason that I and my mother are not so close any more.She can not understand me and what I want for my life.Maybe she want a perfect daugheter and for her I am not even close to be a “good” daugheter.I can also say that studying the history of art made me a person that love to read and to go to museum.For example, maybe because of the art classes I love to take pictures and to draw in my free time.Ballet also influeced me  a lot to become what I am today, I dare say that because of ballet I became a more calm person(this happens because of the kind of music that we listen when I dance ballet).

Amay — Introduction

Most people are used to call me Mah because my real name which is Amay is kind of hard to pronounciate correctly. Amay means ” the tribe lady” and my mother gave me that name because a friend of her named her daughter Amay, and my mother loved it.

I was born on October 19th in 1989 and have only lived here. i live in an apartment in Vila Olimpia with my mother, my father, my brother who is 15 and my little dog Kika. I’ve been studing in Lourenço Castanho since i was 2 years old and now i’m in third high school. I still don’t know what i want to do for college, but i’m working on that. =)

Mah – Born the Middle Child

Being the middle child has made me, more than anything, a extremely smart person. Considering the fact that my oldest sister is the “first one” and my youngest one the “baby of the family”, I feel like my parents haven’t invested much atention and ‘care time’ on me. I don’t feel that I’m the forgotten one, but I guess it’s kind of a flat out fight (what do you mean here?) so they can notice me a bit more. And, as I grew up in a family that believes that education is one of the mainly things a person has to have, I’ve been trying my best to be an exceptional student. I’m always trying to learn new things, take courses out of school and then, show my knowledge to my family. (What new things are you trying to learn, and which courses are you taknig, etc? Marina, remember that in English, you are not supposed to simply mention your ideas. If you decide to divulge some information, you are supposed to expand on these ideas to its largest extent.) Once I offered my little sister help in some subjects at school (again, you are being vague) and my mother was just so proud of me when she saw the grade my sister had taken (what was her grade?), her eyes was shining and I could see a truly smile on her face because of what I had done, that I keep teaching her until nowadays. To be honest, I think there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make my parents see how wise I can be. (Here, you need to go back to the idea that being wise is a result of you having been born the middle child.)

Being the middle child has made me, more than anything, a extremely smart person. Considering the fact that my oldest sister is the “first one” and my youngest one the “baby of the family”, I feel like my parents haven’t invested much atention and ‘care time’ on me. I don’t feel that I’m the forgotten one, but I guess it’s kind of a flat out fight so they can notice me a bit more. And, as I grew up in a family that believes that education is one of the mainly things a person has to have, I’ve been trying my best to be an exceptional student. I’m always trying to learn new things, take courses out of school and then, show my knowledge to my family. Once I offered my little sister help in some subjects at school and my mother was just so proud of me when she saw the grade my sister had taken, her eyes was shining and I could see a truly smile on her face because of what I had done, that I keep teaching her until nowadays. To be honest, I think there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make my parents see how wise I can be.

Lully — Applying to get into Graded

I want to go Graded School because I want to study abroad. If you take examinations (Which examinations specifically?) that Graded provides you with,  you’ll be much more prepared for to college admission tests such as the SAT. I know many people that have studied at Graded and have gone to very good universities (Which ones?) all over the world. For instance, Olivia Dupasquier, who started studying there when she was 8, claims that if it wasn’t for IB’s (What are IB’s?) and other exams that she took at Graded, she wouldn’t have been prepared to succeed in the SAT’s and get the number of points required to get into Harvard like she did. IB’s are like small SAT, that’s why they were very helpful. (You should offer this information when you mentioned IB above.) Therefore, studying at Graded seems to be the best option for me because it opens doors for to people that have interest in studying abroad. 

I want to go Graded School because I want to study abroad.

If you take examinations that Grade d provide you’ll be much more prepared to college admission tests such as the SAT.

I know many people that have studied at Graded and gone to very good universities all over the world. Olivia Dupasquier, who started studying there when 8 claims that if it wasn’t for IB’s and other exams that she took at Graded she wouldn’t have been prepared to succeed in the SAT’s and get the number of points required to get into Harvard like she did. IB’s are like small SAT, that’s why they were very helpful.

Therefore studying at Graded seems to be the best option because it opens doors to people that have interest in studying abroad. 

I want to go Graded School because I want to study abroad.

If you take examinations that Graded provides you with such as IBs or ESL you’ll be much more prepared for college admission tests like the SAT.

I know many people that have studied at Graded and have gone to very good universities all over the world like Harvard, Yale, Brown, among others. For instance, Olivia Dupasquier, who started studying there when she was 8 claims that if it wasn’t for IB’s(those are like small SAT that are very helpful when taking the SAT) and other exams that she took at Graded she wouldn’t have been prepared to succeed in the SAT’s and get the number of points required to get into Harvard like she did.

Therefore, studying at Graded seems to be the best option for me because it opens doors for people that have interest in studying abroad.